
OF ALL 



MMWMMaMMWHMaMIMMMMMaMBftdaWgSSlHi 



mdIJlW<HII1 « M l MII«IIIUIt l> lll]TJ l Uli. l l «i JM!l(BlMt!Ui l JW l 



MR. TOGO 




Hoping you are the same, 
Yours truly . 

HASHIMURA TOGO 



MR. TOGO 

MAID OF ALL WORK 



WALLACE IRWIN 

(hashimura Togo) 




NEW YORK 

DUFFIELD & COMPANY 

1913 



\\'c 



Copyright, 19 13 
By DUFFIELD & COMPANY 



^ 



yd-c 



©CI.A357234 



CONTENTS 

PAGE 

I The Hon, Vacuum Who Cleans 
Things i 

II Hon, Baby and What To Do with Him 13 

III Hon, Miss Dressmaker 25 

IV The Husband's Place in the Home . 2>7 
V How Should I Do Paper-Bag Cooking? 49 

VI Hon, Dish Rag vs. The Hon. China . 61 

VII A Day at Home 73 

VIII Pets 87 

IX Washing Windows 97 

X Paper-Hanging . 109 

XI Hon. Gladys Obtain Matrimony . . 121 

XII Fall Cleaning 133 

XIII Apartment House Life in New York . 145 

XIV Can Automobiles Be Tamed for Home 

Use? 157 

XV Picnic Party 169 

XVI An Adventure in Banting . , . . 181 



I THE HON. VACUUM WHO CLEANS 
THINGS 



I THE HON. VACUUM WHO CLEANS 
THINGS 

To Editor Woman's Page who make "bright 
talk on dusty subjects. 

DEAR SIR: 
I have just abandoned the home of 
Mrs. Hirem B. Bellus, Trenton, N. J., where 
I was. I shall describe circumstances, show- 
ing how I quit it. 

This Mrs. Bellus, 211 lbs. sweethearted lady 
complete with curly-puff hair, employ me for 
do Gen, Housework, price $4.50 weekly pay- 
ment. This are too less money, but she tell 
me small pay for small Japanese are entirely 
satisfactory. Satisfactory to who? I ask it. 
No reply from her. 

" Are you an intelligent duster ? " are first 
question for her. 

" Japanese dusters is more intellectual than 
Turkey dusters," I snop back. " I am ac- 
quainted with the habits of dirt and how to 
kill him. I am an experienced soaper and a 
fearless rubb. Therefore, you hire me." 
3 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

" Have you ever cleaned with a Vacuum?" 
she ask to know. 

My soul was exhausted to answer this 
peculiarity. 

" I never met him/' I acknowledge. 

" How could I hire servant girl not fa- 
miliar with this form of art ? " she require 
peevly. " Vacuum cleaning are most delight- 
ful sport of home life to-day. It are enjoyed 
even in the farthest suburbs of the Universe, 
and yet you ignore it ! " 

" Ah, Mrs. Boss Lady," I pledge with 
pathos, " do not fire me before hiring takes 
place ! Try my sagacity. I shall learn to 
wrastle with this Vacuum you told about until 
you are proud to know me." 

So she took me to store room and introduce 
me to Hon. Vacuum. 

The Hon. Vacuum that cleans, Mr. Editor, 
are like an ingrowing garden hose. He can 
inhale forever without coughing outwards. 
He are a species of mechanical snake whose 
breath always travels toward his tail. To use 
him, following directions must be did: 

I — Screw tail of Hon. Vacuum to sprocket 
in wall. 

2 — Button the electricity and see what hap- 
pen. 

4 



The Hon. Vacuum 

3 — You will hear a sound. It will resem- 
ble moan of puppy cats aggravated by Win- 
ter blowing cyclones among ghosts. "I can- 
not hear that Vacuum noise without feeling 
of lonesome poetry. 

4 — Hon. Vacuum begin to act disturbed. 
That are sign he want to eat dust. 

5 — Find some dust. Lead Hon. Vacuum 
to this and say, " Sick him ! " Snorts ! Hon. 
Dust will jump to nowhere while Hon. Vac- 
uum howell for more food. 

What are this Hon. Vacuum, anyhows? 
Hon. Dictionary Book say " Vacuum are 
Nothing." How could Mr. Danl Webster 
speak such untruth by his Dictionary? 
Vacuum cannot be Nothing and yet make so 
much noises. 

This intellectual Vacuum machinery re- 
semble ostriches in what they eat. He de- 
light to sip up tacks, needles, buttons and 
other hard groceries. He appreciate small 
wad of paper occasionally, but when I attempt 
feed him entire newspaper he hold it firmly 
against his nose, but refuse to go further- 
more. I should like a photo of his diges- 
tion. 

Mrs. Bellus, who are a wonderfully house- 
S 



The Hon. Vacuum 

kept lady, admire this Vacuum more than 
any of her relatives. 

" I hate Dust," she proclaim to me. 

" Why should it? '' I require. " Nearly all 
Earth are composed of this delicious powder. 
Mexico, Sahara Desert & Jersey City is built 
on dust and enjoys it continuously. Entire 
Italian army fight to get Tripoli, which are 
nothing but dust inhabited by IMohammed." 

" They are welcome to get it," she snib. 
" With a regiment of Vacuum Cleaners led 
by Gen. Housekeeping I could wipe both 
armies off from Morocco and make it fit to 
sleep in." 

I am shocked by her cleanliness. Yet I ask 
to know one question. 

" Mrs. Madam," I reproach, " tell me this 
reply. When Hon. Vacuum supp up dust 
from this carpet, to where do it go to?" 

She indicate Heaven with her thumb. 

" Up there is grand blow-away hole which 
shoo it off," she answer it. 

So I continue on absorbing hairpins, string 
and other germs through that succulent ma- 
chinery. 

No lady I work for are equally balanced in 
their manias. Some are crazed about house- 
6 



The Hon. Vacuum 

flies; cookery seem to make others con- 
tinuously het-up; others seem to reverberate 
with pain when mentioning clothes-starch. 
This Mrs. Hirem B. Bellus was especially 
hobbed on that Vacuum Cleanliness. She 
could forgive all other crimes, no matter if I 
brought in beefstake too much charcoaled 
around edges. It no matter if I too sluggish 
with my feet to answer door when it bells. 
It no matter if I make outrageous beds or 
knock gentle glasswear in hard sink. She for- 
give. But she was deliciously disgusted if 
Hon. Vacuum was not mourning & howelling 
all day long while Togo poke its nose around 
among rugs & other brick-brack. 

Her husband disagree from this. 

" Togo's biscuits fill my teeth with hatred 
while his coffee show contemptible weakness," 
Hon. Bellus dib for breakfast. 

" Perhapsly," refute Hon. Mrs., " yet he are 
one of the best Vacuum Engineers I ever 
hired." 

" I cannot eat a Vacuum," reject that Hus- 
band-man, with hat-in-the-ring expression. 

" I are not responsible for your animal hun- 
gers," corrode this Wife while she arose and 
gently order me to take Hon. Vacuum down 
cellar for vacate 2 coal-bins and a ashbarrel. 

7 



3Ir. Togo: Maid of All Work 

I retained this situation of jobs for six com- 
plete days' work. All day long I go around 
house dragging hose like a fireman. I got 
that intelligent Vacuum so trained that he 
could do tricks of extreme cuteness. He 
could coax shoe-buttons entirely across room 
by his talented suction, and when they got up 
to his nose — gubble! They disappear to 
zero. He loved to catch flies by breathing 
them inwards ; and once he attempt to with- 
draw Mrs. Bellus' weak canary bird from cage. 
Which he not quite did, but too nearly. 

So I continue on practicing this suctionary 
job; and I got so smart from it that I was 
preparing to request Hon, Mrs. for more 
wage of salary, when some unpleasantness ex- 
ploded. I sorry to tell you. 

Last Tuesday Hon. Mrs, Hirem B. Bellus 
come to me and say with gloves & hat : 

" I go for lunching at Aunt Maria Stewart 
whose great wealth includes asthma and make 
her disagreeable but necessary. Be faithful 
with your Vacuum while I are away." 

I promus her. 

" Grocer man will be here this p. m. for 
collect bill," she corrode with indignation 
peculiar to debts. " Here are 20$ banknote 



The Hon. Vacuum 

for payment. I owe him 26$. Tell him to 
keep the change." 

So she part off, leaving me that 20$ paper 
of extreme value. Mr. Editor, it make me 
nervus to be alone with great wealth. Sip- 
posing some burglary should come by win- 
dow ? Sipposing my dishonest instinct should 
fly up and make me skip Canada with cash- 
money ? 

Yet I was entirely faithful by that 20$. I 
took him and fold him to smallish wad, then 
I lay him carefully in crack of sofa where 
burglars could not see, yet I could not for- 
get where was. Hon. Vacuum stood near 
purring softly while I done this. Who could 
expect what shall be? 

Me & Hon. Vacuum continue our vacuous 
task, making kick-back of dust wherever was. 
I run him over rugs so oftenly that he pull 
holes from them. I make him sniff all cob- 
ble-webs from the pictures & poke his nose 
into each corner where was. We was very 
friendly, me & Vacuum. 

I continue to vac. After Hon. Vacuum had 

sniffed off all wall paper, sideboard, etc., I 

remember how upholsterish chairs & sofas 

must be cured of germs also, so I vacuate these 

9 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

velvet upholsters. I was doing very nicely, 
thank you, when, of suddenly, I point nose of 
Hon. Vacuum to sofa where that 20$ bill was 
setting tightly. Yet no financial panics came 
to me until— O FRIGHTS!! That 20$ hill 
begin hopping tozvard Hon. Vacuum's nose 
with hypnoHed expression peculiar to birds 
when eaten by charming snakes! 

I make snatch for money — alast ! I was 
too late in beginning. Hon. Bill make leap 
to nose of Hon. Vacuum — ^gollup! Down 
long, thin throat of this machinery that 
wealthy cash was swallowed. I try to choke 
him so he give it back, — but useless it was. 
That cash-paper had flipped into his interior 
digestion before Jack Robinson could say it. 

So I unbotton electricity and look down 
Hon. Vacuum with considerable angry rage. 
What had he did with my trustful money ? O 
how my indignation jump up ! How could this 
mechanical snake treat me so trickful after I 
had chaperoned him and fed him dust for 
several complete days? I shook him with 
grand cruelty in hopes to make him cough 
back that wealth of Mrs. Hirem B. Bellus. 
He remain entirely buUdoggish with that bill 
clasped somewheres inside. 

Then I remember how Mrs. Bellus had told 
10 



The Hon. Vacuum 

me how trash suctioned away by Hon. Vac- 
uum was blowed high-ward through hole in 
roof. Maybe I should catch that 20$ yet be- 
fore he got out! So with immediate quick- 
ness I got top-ladder & clomb to roof where 
I dishcover hole. Yet it was entirely penni- 
less. Now & occasionally slight spurt of dust 
blow from hole; sometimes one shoe-button 
would popp out from where Hon. Vacuum 
had kicked him. Yet that hole remain like a 
bursted bank, refusing to surrender money. 

Afar off in direction of Pennsylvania I 
could observe slight dusty expression of sky. 
I feel sure that was Mrs. Bellus' money travel- 
ling West. 

Enjoying great discouragements I got down 
from that roofly seat and wrote following 
telegram to Mrs. Bellus before walking fare- 
well: 

" Togo is resigned. Hon. Vacuum blow your 20$. 
So sorry to say. The unexpected often happen, so 
you may get this money back, as I do not see how 
you ever can. When last seen it was going to Penn- 
sylvania where I shall be there to catch it if he fall 
down and send back by P. O. delivery." 

When I wrote this telegram I pin him to 
kitchen door and walk rapidly away with ex- 
pression of one going West and expecting to 
II 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

arrive there. And while travelling I think 
of one wise quotation : " Nature abhors a 
Vacuum." I am agreeable to Nature in this. 
Hoping you are the same. 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo, 



12 



ri HON. BABY AND WHAT TO DO 
WITH HIM 



II HON. BABY AND WHAT TO DO 
WITH HIM 

To Editor Woman's Page, who was once a 
Baby, but has got over it. 

DEAR Mr. Sir : 
I have now released myself from 
Patriot's Bluff, Ohio, where I took consid- 
erable experience away with me. There I 
done home-work for Mr & Mrs Henery M. 
Bushel & child for delicious cheapness of 
wages, thank you. When I approach this 
Bushel home 2 weeks formerly from now, 
Hon. Mrs (refined lady with wealthy golden 
tooth) look severely at my Japanese humility. 

" Togo," she narrate, " this house contains 
the brightest, most valuable & booflest Hon. 
Baby in all world." 

I attempt to look surprised. " Mrs Mad- 
am," I say gradually, " I have worked already 
at 13^ places which also contained the bright- 
est, most valuable & booflest Hon. Baby in 
all world. How could it? Did them other 
places all have same baby ? " 

15 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

" No. But them other babies was all im- 
posters," she dib. 

So she led me to setting-room, walking 
with quiet toes and wrapped expression 
peculiar to folks approaching Mikado or 
some other President. In }i size rocking-bed 
I observe Hon, Baby laying among consider- 
able softness and appearing quite babyhood. 

" Are he not remarkabilious child ? " she 
require. 

" I are sure he must be very distinguished," 
I say sweetishly. 

" Why you think so ? " she require with 
gently smiling. 

" Because," I says so, " all distinguished 
persons appears quite plain when first ob- 
served." 

" I do not care to hear your foreign 
thoughts," she grudge. 

Hon. Baby make happy guggle to see me, 
so I know we should get very friendship to- 
gether. I waggle my thumbs to him, so he 
make more laugh. 

" DON'T ! ! " holla Hon. Mrs. " You wish 
explode my child's nerves by this actions?" 

" Are it injurious for childhood to laugh 
at my thumbs?" I ask it. 

" Many children are spoilt forever by too 
i6 



Hon. Baby 

much laughter in infancy," she explan. " I 
raise this child like I raise biscuits — by book. 
Volume entitled ' How Do It to Grow Best 
Children ' tell me delicious nervus diseases 
what children will be entitled to if not care- 
ful. By feeding, exercise, etc, I intend to 
make this Babe great man for future." 

" Shall he be Presidential Candidate, per- 
hapsly ? " I require. 

" No ! he shall never have such brutal treat- 
ment ! " she exclam. " Yet I are sure he shall 
be great because he has his grandfather's 
eyes." 

I could not believe such youngly child could 
rob old gentleman of his eyesight. Yet I say 
nothing. " Have he got a name ? " I re- 
quire for chivalry. 

" Several," she report. " He are pro- 
nounced Alexander Applegate Leopold 
Bushel." 

" Bushel baskets have been filled with less," 
I say punnishly. " That name surrounds him 
completely." 

" For shortness we call him Goo," she say 
so. " Now I shall tell you his daily pro- 
gramme." She take paper from table and 
read me following list of deeds intended for 
that Babyhood: 

17 



Mr, Togo: 31 aid of All Work 

5:30 to 6 A.M. crying exercises enjoyed for de- 
velopment of lung. 

6:15 sterilised milk programme with bottle. 

7 130 Hon. Baby bathed in fluid offensive to mi- 
krobes. Hon. Father then permitted to bring out 
scales and weigh Hon. Baby so to show he soon will 
be a Physical Perfection like Family. 

8:10 A. M. l4 hour baby-talk conversation by his 
mother for development of brain. 

8:40 slight perambulation in baby-cab continuing 
2 hours. This trip must go through considerable 
streets and scenery, so Hon. Baby will get used to 
travel. 

10:40 homeward arrival. More crying exercises 
enjoyed for benefit of lung. 

11:30 continual sleep programme until entirely 
saturated with slumber. 

Afternoon — same like morning programme, only 
more so. 



Hon Mrs Bushel told me this with in- 
tense accuracy peculiar to statistics. 

" You speak reverently about sterilised 
milk," I pronounce. " How do you make this 
youthful beveridge?" 

" This milk are best science for all baby," 
she report. " You put him in clean kettle 
& boil him to scalding point — " 

" Boil Baby to scalding point ? " I screech 
with shocks. 

"No!! Boil milk," she otter. 
18 



Hon, Baby 

Which show what difficult housekeeping 
babies can be. 



Mr Editor, one important rule I notice 
about babies — you must not never give them 
nothing that they want. This Hon. Bushel 
Baby are continuously poking forth sweet 
hands and making considerable blueness from 
his eyes to show his undesirable whims & re- 
quisitions. One time I was approaching steps 
with loo-lb ice-chunk for kitchen. Hon. 
Baby seen this and order some by making 
finger-signals. How could I disobey this toy 
boss? So I split ofif slight fracture of ice & 
was attempting to make present of this to him 
when — O scream ! Mrs Boss came flewing 
outward and seen what was. 

" Stop ! " she holla. " You wish refrigerate 
that darling interior ? " 

I feel entirely hashed for my ignorance. 

Another occasion Hon. Baby reach forth 
and begin eating loose end of my pink calicoed 
apron with toothless expression of sublime 
joyness. While he ate he say, "Ah-Goo!" 
which are Chinese words meaning " a good 
salad can be made of almost anything." 

Screams ! ! ! " What style murder are you 
19 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

serving to my child now?" yall Mrs Henery 
M. Bushel hysterially. 

" Excuse please. Are aprons injurious for 
food supply ? " I ask to know. 

For answer Hon. Mrs Bushel grabb him to 
arms & rosh at telephone. 

" Hello, Doctor yes, come to the poisoning 
quick ! " she gollup. Then she walk forward 
& back adding groans while Hon. Baby ob- 
serve her emotions with great amusement. 

Honk-honk to door. Hon. Dr Ottomobile 
arrive with chuggs & he hop forthly containing 
bags and implements. 

" Where is poison ? " he require, calm but 
nervus while his beard look entirely scientific. 

"Here are!" hissy Hon. Mrs tearing forth 
my apron. " Hon. Baby ate this heartily." 

Hon. Dr took out mikeroscope. First he 
look at Hon. Baby through his mouth, then 
he poke that glass against my apron and peep 
with earnestness. 

" This article contain loi per cent, ven- 
omous products," he explan. " In addition 
there is maniac acid solution with hypocriti- 
cal sublimate. I am surprised to see your 
child looking so well, because by Science he 
should be dead 9 times." 

Hon. Mrs wept, but Hon. Baby continue 
20 



Hon. Baby 

making gurgle-laugh with Xmas dinner ex- 
pression. For 48 complete hours his parents 
continued standing on end, expecting that 
child to perish off, because he was so much 
better behaved than usual. 

Me & Alexander continue to be dear col- 
lege chums ; yet I was entirely nervus to ap- 
proach him, because I was afraid I might ex- 
plode some science connected with it. But all 
commencements have their finish. One day 
it came thusly : 

" Take Hon. Baby for sidewalk prome- 
nade," holla Mrs Henery M. Bushel from up- 
stairs side. " You will find peramble-buggy 
on front porch. You must begone 2 hours 
and not aggrevate him by your foolish atten- 
tions. If he begin to cry, wheel homewards." 

" Shall do so," I terminate. 

" And remember thus," she commute. 
" So long as he silent, you must not notice 
him." 

So I put on hat & go forthly to front porch 
where peramble-buggy was there. I wheel 
this along without noticing Hon. Baby, be- 
cause I was ordered to snub it. The faithful 
duty I always possess made me entirely noble. 
I did not even peek in buggy for see how he 
21 



Mr, Togo: Maid of All Work 

look. Such were my obedience to command- 
ments. For I hour I push that child-cab 
through fashionable streets where he can be- 
come educated by society sights. Silence 
from him. For 21 minute I wheel him by 
rivers, trees & scenery where he could be- 
come educated in Nature. Silence yet from 
him. For 15 minute I ride him by bank-build- 
ings, offices, drug-stores, so he can get educated 
in business conditions. And yet he remain 
silent like a hypnofied fly. His refined be- 
haviour made me feel lonesome — to pass i 
hour, 2)^ minute without some cry-exercises 
were too much for me to believe. He must 
be wrong somewheres. So, in defy to Hon. 
Boss Lady's orders, I lift back top from that 
child-carriage — and O shocks ! What I 
seen ? Nothing 1 ! Hon. Baby were not 
there !!!!!! 

My brain began running backwards. 
Where could Hon. Baby went? Was he 
pulled out of buggy by airships while I was 
not looking? Had he drop from bottom of 
that cart or crolled over side and eloped 
secretively? I confused in all directions 
while my heart remained stationary. 

With empty baby-trundle I trott along each 
sidewalk requiring, " You seen loose baby ? " 
22 



Hon. Baby 

from each persons who said they didn't. 
Hon. Police come and ask me what was. I 
told so. 

"Black Hand stole um!" Holla Hon. 
Police with rabid calm. So he commence to 
trott along by me while 48 mobbed persons 
join up with us. " Have you saw loose 
baby ? " everybody ask it. Nobody had. 

Finally, made desperado by my fear, I de- 
cide to return back to home of Bushel and 
report what was. So elope I there, chaper- 
oned by Hon, Police & persons. I stood by 
porch with quaker knees, knowing Mrs Bushel 
would be irritated to lose such nice child. 
While I stood thusly — beholt! Door flew 
ope and out come Hon. Mrs carrying Hon. 
Baby in arms ! 

"Fool Togo!" she yellup, 

" Yes, please ! " This from me. 

" When you left house with Hon. Buggy 
how could you forgot ? " 

" Forgot what ? " I asked to know. 

" You forgot Baby ! " she snagger. 

Then I remember what was. When I left 
house she told I shouldn't disturb Hon. Baby, 
so I forgot to look see if he was there in Hon. 
Buggy ! 

" Mrs Madam," I erupt, stretching myself 
23 



Mr. Togo: Mmd of All Work 

upwards to Samurai height. " By not taking 
your baby out and losing him, I saved his life. 
Yet I shall charge you nothing for this hero- 
ism." 

" You shall save his life again by eloping 
away from hither at once," she dib wild-cat- 
tishly. " Leave baby-cab on front porch and 
let me see your absence." 

So I made very sorry removal feeling 
similar to one who make a living swallowing 
dull swords. 

Hoping you are the same, yours truly 
Hashimura Togo. 



24 



Ill HON. MISS DRESSMAKER 



Ill HON. MISS DRESSMAKER 

To Editor Woman's Page Who Understand 
How Ladies Can Be Dress-Made Until They 
Appear Beautiful. 

DEAR Mr Sir: 
During my progress around from 
places to places I have got acquaintance with 
all sorts American musical instruments. 
Banjos, gasolene, stoves, trumbones and 
basso drums I have heard shooting their 
music. But never until of recently did I 
encounter a sew-machine doing so. Sew- 
machines are different from pianos in several 
ways. Pianos are good for accompany ladies 
singing; sew-machines are useful for accom- 
pany ladies gossiping. This I notice. 

Place at which I was most formerly em- 
ployed was Mrs Jno W. Smith (pronounced 
the same way) who reside by her husband 
near Poison Ivy View, Conn. 

This Mrs Smith have a mind full of dry- 
goods. She speak of her friends in dress- 
make language entirely. 

" Jno," she say to her husband when they 
27 



Mr, Togo: Maid of All Work 

set down for dinner-eat ceremony, " to-day 
I met the most charming Brussels lace with 
accordeon tassels at wrists and elbows." 

"What was her name in real life?" re- 
quire Hon. Smith with nervus expression of 
check-book. 

" Mrs Ethel Crabapple," report Hon. Mrs 
Jno, her mind making drop-stitches of fash- 
ionable pattern. " She have took up woman- 
suffrage movement and speaks very beautiful 
under her pink majolica hat of baby ostrich 
plumes." 

Hon. Jno Smith sigh like a bye-gone day. 

" Ethel Crabapple ! " he renig for slight 
sentiment. " I knew her when she was merely 
Ethel Scraggs. How is she ? " 

" Quite well, I think," relapse Mrs Jno. 
" She spoke on Progress wearing a green 
opera cloak of cerise burlap aggrevated with 
panels of Arabian chiffon and satin annex 
at collar." 

Hon. Smith withdraw himself from this 
conversation for fear he might be asked to 
buy some similar uniform for his wife. 

When this Mrs Smith are asked to ball- 
parties, dance-step festivals, trolley-ride, 
bridge-play gambol, etc., she look extremely 
downtrodden for days & days. Her hus- 
28 



Hon. Miss Dressmaker 

band remain calm but frightened, like Wall 
Street before it collapses. Of finally she lead 
Hon. Smith to breakfast where she report 
distinctually, 

" I am absent of all clothing to wear any- 
wheres." 

I do not notice this. But Hon. Jno grone 
severely while he give her all the wealth of 
his pockets. Then he go glubly away to his 
ofhce feeling like the Queen of Sheba's hus- 
band when it was fashionable for ladies to 
dress in solid gold with diamond buttons. 

About one week of yore my Hon, Boss 
Lady come at me and decry, 

" Togo," she say, " one extra plate must 
arrive to table this week." 

" You expecting some person ? " I ask out. 

" No. Only a dressmake," report her. 

" Must I mix extra food for her daily?" I 
snuggest. 

" Ah, no, not to do," she repartee with 
economy voice. " This Miss Dressmake will 
eat what the family does." 

"If she eat what the family does, what 
will the family eat ? " I ask to know. 

No reply to this request. 

Several considerable days before Miss 
29 



Mr. Togo: Maid of "^AU Work 

Dressmake arrive up, Mrs Jno W. Smith 
spend many literary hours pursuing stylish 
magazines full of smiling ladies dressed in 
colours. Each ladies in them pictures was sur- 
rounded by diagrams & patterns showing how 
she was made. Mrs Smith select these por- 
traits carefully, to see which she would rather 
look like. She prefer portrait of lady named 
"Style 41144B." She say she would request 
Hon. Dressmake to fix her appearance like 
that. 

"How you describe this dress, please?" I 
ask to know. 

" It is a pan velvet shirred and basted with 
the yoke separated from the white," she re- 
port. 

" Eggs can be cooked in similar stylish 
fashion," I communicate. She do not seem 
to assimilate them words I said. 

Day before arrival of Hon. Miss Dressmake 
this Mrs Smith derange back parlor with 
delicious variety of cloth to resemble dry- 
goods emporium. Spools, tapes & other pat- 
terns are confused everywheres. You would 
expect Panama Canals could be built from 
such a preparations. 

" Are dressmake-ladies expensive artists to 
employ ? " I ask it. 

30 



Hon. Miss Dressmaker 

"Deliciously so," she pop back. " They 
cost $1.50 per daily, not to mention wear and 
tear on food and sew-machine. I expect this 
lady to make me 2 ball-dance gowns, i wrap- 
ping-kimono, I stylish walk-suit, 2 costumes 
for afternoon tea ceremony and 3^ doz, 
pajamas for Hon. Jno Smith. She will be 
employed nearly 4 days." 

" How can you possibly make any profit 
from her ? " I ventriloquate. No reply as yet. 

Pretty soonly Hon. Annie B. Goblin 
(Miss), slightly spinster lady of detached age, 
arrive up to do this dressmake employment. 
Her complexion was concealed behind 
freckles. She might of been beautiful, had 
she not been homely. 

This Miss Goblin lady understood inter- 
national sewing to any extent. She could 
combine Irish lace, China silk and Persian 
embroidery on the same dress without the 
least race-riot. Few politicians can keep so 
many nationalities together calmly. 

She were a very talented sewing-bee who 
never quit buzzing with conversations. She 
was one of them ladies what makes news- 
papers useless. 

Last Thursday a. m. Hon. Mrs Smith give 
her $4.80 worth of Baptist silk and command 
31 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

her to create a dress to resemble Princess 
Patricia, so much as possible. 

" At that price I can make you look like a 
Queen slightly marked down," communicate 
Hon. Annie B. Goblin, making whizz with 
sew-wheel, art same time telling delicious 
society news with her pincushion voice. 

" Mrs Horse W. Harvey hope to be a 
widow soon," she report between stitches. 
" She has took up voice culture which must 
kill her husband with rapidity. She owe me 
$8.64 for two years and her Jewish lynx set 
is merely her husband's fur overcoat warmed 
over." 

" I have long enjoyed that delicious sus- 
picion," deploy Mrs Jno W. Smith, who do 
not care for gossip, but merely stay near to 
oversea that job. 

" Mrs van Swallow Tagg has a mortgage 
on her house which leaks," continue on this 
sewing-wasp. " I am sorry for her peevish 
temper which is a disease. Her husband is 
a good man, but dishonest." 

" She wears her hats unbearably," reproach 
Mrs Jno W. 

" Mrs Cyrus Q. Bogle's prominent Aunt 
Angelica drinks patent medicine for her rheu- 
matism." 

32 



Hon. Miss Dressmaker 

" How shocked I am ! " explode Hon. Mrs. 
" Tell me some more." 

" Her nephew Joshua who goes to Yale 
to study footballing — excuse, please, would 
you prefer to have this yoke hooked or cut 
bias?" 

" Cut bias, please," exclam Mrs Smith with 
tense voice. " What did you say about Mrs 
Bogle's Nephew Joshua who go to Yale ? " 

" He arrive home from Yale smelling dis- 
tinctually of cigarettes. He cannot last 
long." 

" Them Bogles contain very common stock," 
repose Mrs Jno. " I seldom could admire 
Mrs Bogle's character since she came to 
church in that flowered dimity with pan- 
niers of heliotrope velour cut umpire style 
at the neck with a demi-train of Belgian bro- 
cade." 

" I respect your grief," relapse Hon. Annie 
B. 

" Although she are one of my dearest 
friends," explan Mrs Smith, " I am obliged to 
add stinginess to her other disagreeable vir- 
tues. In despite of the fact that her husband 
owns one complete livery stable, she still con- 
tinues to behave like the Middle Classes. Her 
silk dresses are only nearly." 

33 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

Jing-jing!! This from front door bell. 
Too bad I had to answer, because I was fas- 
cinated to hear that brutish remark of Hon. 
Bogles. Howeverly, I was dutiful as usual ; 
so I elope to door-knob. There stood one 
lady wearing fashionable complexion. She 
poke forth following print on call-card : 



Mrs Cyrus Q. Bogle 

At Home When She Is. 



" Are Mrs Smith residing here this after- 
noon?" require Mrs Bogle. 

" Yes, if convenient," I say to. 

" Are she too busy to appear ? " 

" Yes. Thanks." 

"Will she not appear to me, her dear- 
friend?" 

" No, Mrs Madam. Sorry. Too busy." 

" Busy what with ? " This from her. 

" She are employing a dressmake lady to 
gossip about you." 

" Me ! ! " she exclam without sugar. 

Silence. 

" What stitches did this dressmake person 
take in my character ? " she corrode. 
34 



Hon. Miss Dressmaker 

" She say your Aunt Angelica drink medi- 
cine." 

" Truthfully, she does." 

" She report your nephew Joshua eat 
cigarette-smudge." 

" I might deny that uselessly." 

" She describe your husband's doggish 
habits." 

" I also realise them." 

" She explain how your dress contains 
flounced dimity with spaniels of heliotrope 
cut umpire-fashion at neck with — " 

" No more ! " holla Mrs. Bogle dropping 
fire from her eyebrows. " Such reports are 
false as they are truthless. I permit neigh- 
bours to abuse my family, but when they dis- 
tort my gowns I draw the string ! " 

She done so by making door-bang and de- 
parting offward amidst furies. 

" Togo, who has came and went all at 
once ? " require Hon. Mrs from upstairs. 

" Mrs Cy Q. Bogle, please." 

" Mrs Bogle — how strange. I was just 
discussing her." 

" I told her you was." This from me, 

"WHAT!!!!" This from her. 

I repeat. Loud silence. Sew-machine 
stop, gossip stop, dressmake stop. 
35 



Mr. Togo: 31 aid of All Work 

" Annie," I hear Mrs Jno W. Smith say, 
" Bring me glass of water to faint with. Also 
discharge Togo sooner than possible." 

This sound so unwelcome to me that I re- 
fuse my situation by going away. So I elope 
to trolley with suit-case, feeling quite the 
reverse. 

Hoping you are the same 
Yours truly 

Hashimiira Togo. 



36 



IV THE HUSBAND'S PLACE IN THE 
HOME 



IV THE HUSBAND'S PLACE IN THE 
HOME 

To Editor Woman's Page, who give Ladies 
such delicious advice how to preserve rasp- 
berries, beauty and other species of vegetables. 

HON." MR: 
At home of Mrs. Washington Fillups 
where I was employed as recently as 3 days 
of yore I obtain many chances to observe some 
ladies when they call. 

One day Mrs. Oliver Hix approach & make 
ring-ring to front door which I oped to permit 
her in. I notice she was displayed very 
stylishly with calling-card appearance. Her 
goldy hair contained one (i) velvet hat of 
extreme blackness and her dress was all sur- 
rounded with fringes like a piano-cover or 
like that Indian costume of Hon. Buffalo Bill. 

"Are Mrs. Fillups to home?" she inquire 
pridefully poking forth her name with card. 

" She are," I report. " Yet I must go to 
see if she will acknowledge it." 

Hon. Mrs. Fillups were up in sewing-room 
39 



Mr. Togo: 31 aid of All Work 

mending sox with considerable darn. When 
I told her who was there she report, " Her 
again?" Then she dust off her nose, re- 
organise her hairpins and trot downward to 
where Mrs. Hix was. 

Kiss-kiss heard. Joy sh reeks. Conversa- 
tions in soprano duet. 

It was my duty to massage off the mahogany 
furniture in dining-room annexed to parlour, 
so how could I avoid overhearing what they 
said? I did not attempt to do so, however 
much I tried. It was my duty to polish that 
furniture in dining-room, so there I was. If 
ladies cannot keep their conversation hushed, 
Servants cannot make their ears behave. This 
is human-natural. 

After dis-cussing topicks like baby, coal- 
bills & other luxuries, they commenced gossip- 
ing about some articles of furniture I could 
not understand. Their voices was so inter- 
rupted I could not catch-all, but this is what 
I heard: 

Mrs. Hix say : " I permit mine to set in 
parlour when company comes. This is most 
ostentatious place." 

From this I thought she was talking about 
a piano. 

" I move mine into library every night after 

69 



The Husband's Place 

dinner," revoke Mrs. Fillups. " He are too 
smoky for parlour." 

From that I supposed she was talking about 
a stove. 

" I have had mine for ten continuous years," 
say Mrs. Hix saddishly, " and from experi- 
ence I am sure they are all alike. No use to 
be neat and tidy when they are there. They 
will not stay put like other furniture. Set 
them in one place and you will find they have 
moved somewhere else. Dust seems to collect 
wherever they stand. 

" I have never seen one that could make a 
baby comfortable. Neither are they able to 
hold a newspaper without dropping it care- 
lessly here & there," report Mrs. Hix with 
saddish grone of dispair. 

" And yet strange thing," interject Mrs. 
Fillup. " How useless home would seem if it 
did not contain one ! " 

Mrs. Fillup & Mrs. Hix now make whisper 
with hissy voices. I could not hear, although 
both my ears stood endwise with excitement. 
I wish folks would not be so secretive when 
they have secrets ! 

Pretty soonly Hon. Hix Lady make up- 
riseing and depart off. More kiss-kiss cere- 
mony. She go. Then she step back and say 
41 



3Ir. Togo: 31 aid of All Work 

more. She go again, but come back for an 
encore. More conversations containing secre- 
tive talk. Ladies is always thus — they tell 
all the important news in the postscript. 

Pretty soonly she was gone entirely. I step 
forth to Mrs. Fillups. 

" Hon. Boss Lady," I say with boldness 
peculiar to Samurai, " do you not hire me to 
be as intellectual as possible abut household 
duties ? " 

" I do exactly," she otter. " Why do you 
ask to know ? " 

" Do you not require that I should know all 
peculiarities about your furniture ? " I ask it. 

" Absolutely everything," she outcry. 

" All well then," I renig. " There is some- 
thing I wish to know what. In recent con- 
versation which I overheard accidently while 
standing at key-hole, I hear you speak about 
one article of furniture which I am not fa- 
miliar of. By the way you describe it, it sets 
in parlour like piano until it begins smoking 
like a stove ; then you move it to library where 
it holds baby like a cradle and supports news- 
papers like a table! When you set it any- 
wheres it moves nervusly from room to room, 
dropping dust like a elephant. It is a failure 
at everything around the house, yet you say 
42 



The Husband*s Place 

so that no home is complete without one. 
What kind of a conundrum are you talking 
about, please ? " 

" My husband," report Mrs. Fillups as she 
elope away. 

This husband belonging to Mrs. Fillups 
are quite a large gentleman. I are not sure 
if husbands comes in regular sizes, but I 
should think Hon. Fillups was about size 46. 
It are deliciously difficult to housekeep him. 

Mrs. Fillups spend all day-long cleaning 
up after his departure and preparing for his 
next visitation. Her favourite pet name for 
him is " Don't." 

When he encroach home by evening train 
she meets him on door-mat with cheerful 
smiling. Yet she has got her watch eye open 
for his uncivilised ways. 

" Don't track snow on rug, dearie. Don't 
wear rubbers in house, DON'T leave them 
on front steps like a tenement." Hon. Fillups 
are one of those husbands which begins to 
obey orders after the damage is done. 

" Darling, don't leave it on sofa," she re- 
port when he remove off hat & coat. " Don't 
lay cigars on mahogany table & DON'T 
whistle in house." 

43 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

When he make wash-hand ceremony she 
say, " Don't dry your thumbs on clean 
towels ! " 

" What are clean towels for? " he ask sad- 
dishly. 

" I hang them in bathroom to show com- 
pany how extravagant we are with our laun- 
dry," re joint Mrs. Fillups. " In this era of 
hard times towels are not made merely to 
be used." 

Dinner is served. At Hon. Table where 
they set there she resume conversation. 
" Don't tip soup plate in eating it," she report 
cow-cattishly. " Don't stand up while carv- 
ing mutton. Don't eat salad with oyster 
fork!" 

When dinner is completely finished Hon. 
Fillups promenade in direction of parlour. 
His teeeth now contains one enlarged tobacco 
pipe of sunburned appearance. 

" DON'T ! ! " holla Hon. Mrs. with ghost- 
voice. " The parlour must be saved from that 
pipe. I have prepared the library for your 
comfort where you can set among the books 
you love and read the newspapers. There you 
can do what you like and feel homeful." 

Hon. Fillups go to library. There he find 
44 



The Husband's Place 

one tight-back wicker chair setting hopefully 
beside table. On that chair are laid out one 
smoke jacket containing velvet collar of 
charming red. Befront of his chair are two 
(2) complete slippers of carpet toes. On 
table are 12 refined cigars of freckled com- 
plexion. On table next by this are works of 
Hon. Robt. Browning bound in one-half calf 
and containing blue ribbons to mark Mr. Fill- 
ups favourite poems, which he has never read. 

Hon. Husband make walk-in to this library 
where he take Evening Telegram from his 
pocket and unfold it on table. Then he go 
to opposite corner of room, remove off his 
coat, pick out one large velvet-coloured chair, 
light Hon. Pipe and commence reading News 
with expression of intense relief. 

" Why don't you put on smoke- jacket what 
I arrange for your comfort?" requires Mrs. 
Fillups with injury voice. 

" Too hot, dearness," he report from news. 

" But it matches the room so nicely," she 
dib. " When will you learn to be a decora- 
tion? Also I give you 12 fashionable cigars 
for Xmas and you continue making puff-puff 
with that horid old pipe." 

" I would never be so cruel as to burn up 

45 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Worh 

your gifts," he repartee. " Besides this pipe, 
though strong, is more gentle in its strength 
than many cigars of twice its weakness." 

" I fix you nice wicker chair by lamp-shade, 
yet you continue to spill ash on fine velvet 
furniture. Why is ? " 

" Velvet, though expensive, has a way of 
feeling soft to tired business men," he ex- 
plain, looking ashamed. 

" Also I have fixed works of Hon. Robt. 
Browning for your benefit. Why do you con- 
tinue to snub this great poet ? " 

" I mean him no personal injury," say Hon. 
Fillup. " Unfortunately I can find better 
murders in newspapers, and they are easier 
to read." 

So he continue through the evening, setting 
in his cuff-sleeves, smudging his pipe and 
looking very misfit. 

Last Wednesday morning when he was de- 
parting off for his office he say with hopes : 

" I shall bring college friend Charlie 
Stringer home for dinner, if convenient." 

" Don't ! " she say continuously. 

" For why ? " he ask out. 

" Because," she snagger, " Wednesday are 
Irish stew night, and we are scarce on this 
46 



The Husband's Place 

economical vegetable. Sifficient for three are 
less than enough." 

'* Oh, then ! " he report. " Charlie and me 
shall dine together at the Runabout Club 
where hasty food can be obtained abundantly 
day and night." 

" Don't ! " besearch Mrs. Fillups. Too late 
for reply. 

That evening by late p. m. that dinner 
plate for Mr. Fillups set lonesome. Mrs. Fill- 
ups remain by table weeping into bill-of-fare. 

" Why do you weep ? " I require at lengthly. 

" He will not return home for meals when 
I do everything for his comfort ! " she sub. 

" Mrs. Madam, excuse my chivalry, but I 
must speak a lecture," I say forth. "If you 
would be less careful of his comfort, maybe 
he would be more comfortable. Many hus- 
bands quit home because it is too beautiful. I 
realise that they do not know what is best 
for them. They are cross-eyed in their in- 
telligence. Yet are it not better to permit 
them to be miserable in their own way, if this 
makes them happy ? You must remember : 
Husbands should not be furniture for the 
home — Home should be furniture for the 
Husband. I speak this because I saw it." 

47 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

" Elsewhere is best place for such a wise 
servant ! " snib Mrs. Fillups leaping to her 
fcets. So I project myself away feeling quite 
absorbed like a sponge. 
Hoping you are the same, 
Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



48 



V HOW SHOULD I DO PAPER-BAG 
COOKING? 



V HOW SHOULD I DO PAPER-BAG 
COOKING? 

To Editor Woman's Page, which makes pho- 
tographs of food and other amusements. 

DEAR SIR: 
I am a Japanese Schoolboy employed 
as a servant girl, but I am not doing so this 
week, thank you. I am such a continual 
office-seeker around Employment Bureaus 
that Hon. Boss say, " Back again ! " when- 
ever he sees me arriving. 

I shall tell you what happened last. 

Mrs. S. W. Swingle, gentlemanly lady of 
red-haired beauty, say tackfully, " I will em- 
ploy you at great risk. Please arrive to my 
home to-night." 

There I went. This S. W. Swingle lady 
reside with her husband and children re- 
spectively at Railroad View, N. J. Her Mr. 
Swingle, to which she is married, is a time- 
table as well as a husband. His soul is full 
of trains. He arrive home at 6.43 and re- 
51 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

quire dinner at 6.59. He go to bed at 11.04 
and demand breakfast at 7.22 so he can catch 
8.12 train. 

When I got on this job I dishcovered that 
my tranquillity was going to be very scarce. 
I must greet milkman at dawn-light and con- 
tinue my domestic science all day until ex- 
hausted. 

Mrs. S. W. Swingle, with sweethearted ex- 
pression, say that busy folks is most happy. 
If this is truthful I should prefer to be slightly 
miserable on Sunday and Thursday after- 
noons. 

Yet I remain stationary in employment un- 
til Monday when sorrow arrive wrapped up 
in a Paper Bag. I shall tell you how was. 

At hour of 2.44 Mrs. S. W. Swingle arrive 
to kitchen with cutting expression peculiar to 
scissors. 

" Togo, why for do you prepare such bad 
food ? " she decry with angry rage. " There 
is no uplift in your biscuits. Your beef is 
boiled until it lose all originality. Mr. S. W. 
Swingle, who is far from strong, say your 
coffee is the same. And so forth. You must 
learn to discontinue this. If we cannot fare 
better you must farewell." 

My soul feel punctured by this conversa- 
52 



Paper-Bag Cooking 

tion. It seem very brutal for me to go loose 
again when jobs is so infrequent to obtain. 
While thusly I was thinking I find on tip- 
shelf of pantry one slight brown book. It 
was wrote by a Kitchen Professor and bore 
this remarkable title: 

" PAPER-BAG COOKING." 

This paper-bag food was invented by a 
French professor, I read. How economical 
those French can be! I thought. I had 
oftenly heard how French chef could make 
stylish meals out of mere remnants. They 
are famus for deceiving pork till it taste like 
chicken and giving boiled codfish the same ex- 
pression as turtle soup. To such genius paper 
bags is easy problem. 

I read this book reverentially. It say for 
Introduction : 

" Paper bags when cooked properly contain 
new flavours you never would imagine was 
there. It is considerable nourishing, as none 
of its juice escapes. You can learn to cook 
one by reading Instructions and becoming ut- 
terly fearless." 

My heart make happy laugh. I shall cook 
some of these paper bags for that dear 
53 



31 r. Togo: 31 aid of All Work 

Swingle family so they will forgive me for my 
previous food. So I read this book and learn 
how do-so. I am incomplete in the American 
language, but this is how I understand him to 
say: 

" Hozu to Cook Paper Bags 

" Select one paper bag which is fresh and 
tender. Medium-size kind are most delicate, 
as large-size kind are apt to be tough, espe- 
cially in the fall. Butter this bag inside and 
salt tastefully. Use meat or whatever pork 
chops are in icebox to stuflf bag with. Add 
one vegetable until satisfied. The bag is now 
ready to roast. 

" Next take one oven. Heat it to hotness 
of about 300 thermometers. Poke Hon. Bag 
inside this and see what happens. Occasion- 
ally make peek into oven to observe how bag 
behaves. If Hon. Bag catch afire, put out. 
Do not be discouridged. When he is suffi- 
ciently cooked, remove out and chop with 
shears. Serve hot. You will be surprised to 
taste it." 

I follow this literary directions with faith- 
fulness peculiar to Samurai. First I got one 
small, young paper bag which formerly con- 
tained string beans. I supposed from what I 
54 



Paper-Bag CooJdng 

read in that Book that paper bags should be 
stuffed like turkeys to make nicest roast. So 
I fill him with following food which I obtain 
from icebox: 

I lbs complete beafstake knifed into small pieces 
1/2 bottel tomatoes catch up 

Representative beets, onions, carets and potatus 
Plentiful water moistened to taste 

That Swingle kitchen contain one gas-stove 
of 40 horse-power capacity and includes one 
oven which is easily het up to angry rage. I 
light this oven. Great heat arrive. Then I 
place Hon. Paper Bag carefully in one drip- 
pan, pour over it some slight water, so it 
wouldn't burn, and poke inside oven. Then 
I set down thoughtful and await the future. 

Mrs. S. W. Swingle arrive to kitchen with 
question-mark expression in her blue eye. 

" What we shall have for dinner, Togo ? " 
she ask out nervely. 

"Ah, Mrs. Madam! If I should tell you, 
you would cease to be surprised. Yet it is 
something exalted I shall offer you. So dif- 
ferent from those monotonous foods previ- 
ously experienced ! " All this I spoke. 

That lady retreat away expectfully. 

I watch this cookery by alarm clock to see it 
shall not be too long. Hon. Book say " When 
55 



Mr, Togo: Maid of All Work 

bag are stuffed with meat, cook 25 minute. 
When stuffed with vegetables, cook 20 
minute." I figure this arithmatic with lead- 
pencil. That bag was stuffed with both meat 
and vegetables, therefore 2o4-25=:45. That 
bag must cook 45 complete minutes to be 
sifficiently delicious. 

At end of 14 minutes I take slight peek to 
oven. O sakes! You would not know Hon. 
Bag for himself, he was so swole. He con- 
tain more uplift than one quart yeast. He 
was so baloonical in shape that I fear he might 
float upward containing meat and vegetables. 
Therefore I prick him slightly with fork. 

POPP!! 

Grand explode arrive. I am shot by out- 
rush of stewed steam which jump out amidst 
delicious flavour. Hon. Bag flop back com- 
pletely exhausted. No more puff up for him. 
He droop amidst them meat and vegetables 
like a wet sail in a shipwreck. I close oven 
door deceptively. Hon. Book say nothing 
about this angry behaviour of food. Maybe 
that will improve its nourishing qualities. 

After it had been some time in baking con- 
dition I was enabled to enjoy the perfume of 
this aroma. Each food when it cook make 
some odor of smell. Apple pie smell like joy- 
56 



Paper-Bag Cooking 

ful hunger of schooldays. Roast beef smell 
like powerful appetite of athelete. But paper 
bag smell like fire among newspapers. I 
notice this. 

While this food was roasting I look out of 
window and observe Hon. Robert Jackson, 
near neighbour, approach and make knock to 
door. 

" Mrs. Madam," he report when that 
Swingle lady come to door, " I announce your 
house is afire." 

" How you know ? " requesh she with pale 
voice. 

" Because I smelt burned wall-paper dis- 
tinctually ! " 

Loud screem by Mrs. S. W. Swingle. They 
rosh to cellar. Nothing was burning there — 
not even the furnace. They trot to roof. 
Nothing was smoking there — not even the 
chimbley. 

" It must be Uncle Oliver burning autumn 
leaves," explan Hon, Jackson. How could he 
know it was my cooking he smelt? 

When nextly I peek into oven I observe 
Hon. Bag afire around edges. Otherwise he 
was cooking nicely. I put him out with slight 
splosh of water. He look quite contented 
swimming around in midst of juices contain- 
57 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

ing vegetables. 17 more minutes remain to 
cook him. 

Night approach. I notice by alarm clock 
that time have now relapsed for Hon. Paper 
Bag to be completely cooked. So I take him 
out on platter. He look somewhat quaint. 
Paper bags is like spinach ; they seem most 
beautiful when raw. It was alarmed for to 
see how Hon. Bag had shrunk away. He 
seemed insufficient for healthful family of 
four persons. Next time I must cook two. 
Howeverly, it was necessary to make most of 
what was, so I rolled Hon. Bag out longwise 
like a omelet. Then I surround him with 
meat and vegetables in diagram of beautiful 
art. 

"Togo! " holla Mrs. S. W. Swingle explod- 
ing into kitchen suddenly like a gun, " Togo, 
what you been cooking to make my home 
smell like a fire-insurance ? " She cough in 
soprano. 

" I have baked you a paper bag," I report 
with words containing smiles. I point to plate 
where it was. 

" Paper zvhat? " she howell. 

" Bag," I repartee. 

She walk to platter and poke Hon. Bag 
irreverently with fork. She make scorn with 
58 



Paper-Bag Cooking 

her nose. Then she open kitchen door and 
urge me to it with enraged broomstick. 

" I give you your choice," she say horesly. 
" Either you can go at once or depart im- 
mediately." 

" I shall not wait that long ! " I collapse 
with cruel expression peculiar to eagles. " If 
you discharge me, I shall obtain mean revenge. 
I shall quit." 

Thusly speaking I promenade forth into 
unemployment. I am still there. 

Hoping you are the same. 
Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



59 



VI HON DISH RAG VS. THE HON. 
CHINA 



VI HON. DISH RAG VS. THE HON. 
CHINA 

To Editor Woman's Page who can serve 
Truth to homes in cups & saucers. 

HON. DEAR SIR: 
As nearly ago as last Wedsday I was 
connected to home of Mrs Jas Jones, Peru, 
Ind., where I am now not. My departure I 
shall relate. 

Though refined in her appearances, this 
Hon. Mrs Jones is known by the dishes she 
keeps. 

This Jones home are a continuous China 
closet entirely filled with it. Bloated blue 
bowls set in shelves amidst cups which look 
like History had drunk out of them. Stingy- 
size coffee cup to be taken after dinner are 
there to any extent. In presidential cabinets 
of mahogonish appearance she got considera- 
ble cut-up glasswear which make flashes re- 
sembling diamonds in show-case. 

" Togo," she say so, " because you are in- 
63 



Mr. Togo: 31 aid of All Work 

tellectual Japanese, I are sure you can take 
care of my dishes." 

" Japan are elegant chaperone for China," 
I absorb with chivalry. 

" All my cubboards is filled with dear 
associates," she acknowledge. " Yonderly 
plates is real Japanese curios what Aunt 
Martha bought while travelling abroad in 
Chicago. Yonderly cups was handed down 
to me by Mr Ancestor." 

" 2 of them was handed down pretty hard," 
I say so, because handles was knock off. 

" Crack and bump are considered antique," 
she dib, while showing me 65 soup platters 
containing photo of Massacheussets to show 
how they was once property of Henry Clay. 

All them dishes look at me with prides, like 
I should be ashamed of my cheapness. 

" Togo," deploy Hon. Mrs Jas Jones, as 
soonly as I was surprised as much as I could, 
" dishes like mine must not be washed bru- 
tally. They must be dishpanned like inva- 
lids." 

" I shall be trained nurse to them so much 
as possible," I collapse. " Should I need 
toilet soap to wash such fineness ? " 

" Intellect are more important than soaps," 
she explan. " Only once did I have a servant 
64 



Hon, Dish Rag 

lady with sifficient intellect to wash my dishes, 
but she would not remain. She are now in 
Colorado running for Congress." 

" How shall I do it to make scientific dish- 
wash ? " I ask to know. 

She tell me this following recipe: 

1st — Take one dishpan of good family, 
mix him with 3^ qrts. water of angry hot- 
ness until Hon. Dishpan seem quite tender. 

2nd — Take one Soap of medium ripeness 
and mix him until he sud. Egg beater can 
be used if willing. 

3rd — Dish-wash are now ready for it. 
Best Dishes to wash are them what has been 
smudged by foods. 

4th — Drop Hon. Dish into delicious 
warmth of water. He will drown, but you 
must not pity him until he arrive entirely 
clean by soap. 

5th — Hon. Dish will now expect warm 
shower bath. 

6th — Wipe him until fatigued. 

7th — Hon. Dish are now ready to eat an- 
other meal. 

" Most delicate tool to be used in dish- 
wash," Mrs Jones tell with voice, "are Hon. 
Dishrag. He must never be neglect. He 
must be kep in healthful condition of athlete 
65 



Mr. Togo: 31 aid of All Work 

by continual care. He must be always clean 
like white gloves, so Hon. Mikerobes will not 
walk on him. Otherwise he will be full of 
feverish diseases which he will give my Dishes 
to pass on to us. 

" To keep dishrag clean are more important 
duty of home life than bakery or piano lesson. 
You unstand this ? " 

" Distinctually ! " I report. "But tell me 
this reply. What should I do if Hon. Dish- 
rag should axidentally throw himself down 
on floor where dust is ? " 

"Oh!l" This from her. "Never — no, 
never at all must Dishrag be permitted to 
behave like that by dropping to Floor. No!! 
Several looos of person is murdered each 
annual year by Dishrags what has thusly 
flopped and caught mikerobe. O Togo, you 
promus me one Thing?" 

" I promus." 

" Promus you never permit Dishrag to flop 
to Floor whatever earthquake happen?" 

I promus reverendly by lifting my knuckles. 
So she permit me to wash her dishes. 

Things happens when they shouldn't. This 
is what make newspapers and other novels so 
pleasant to read. And so it was with me. 
66 



Hon. Dish Rag 

For 2 week times I work for this Mrs Jas 
Jones without any crisis arriving. She were 
so deliciously stingy of her Mrs Washington 
pitcher, cups & glasswear that she use loc. 
store dishes of flat-iron thickness for daily 
use when her Husband & other folks she did 
not respect was home. So I needs not think 
of scientific dish-wash during them happy 
days. Yet I worry about Hon. Dishrag con- 
tinuously, because I was afraid he might strike 
some germs. How could I keep him clean 
while washing plates with him? 

So I wash plates with my rude hands and 
hung Hon. Dishrag to clean peg where he 
would not get soil. Hon. Mrs seem entirely 
pleasant when she see the trained-nurse ap- 
pearance of that Hon. Rag. I feel sure I 
should last there until old age. 

But one afternoon was different, Mr 
Editor, because Mr & Mrs Budhammer, grand- 
father, dog, 2 Aunts and assorted children 
arrive up for lunching. Add to this Mr & 
Mrs Jas Jones and you have considerable 
dish-wash for poor Togo. And what did Hon. 
Mrs Jones do? She arrange on table all her 
important dishwear for fashionable appear- 
ance. Andrew Jackson butter-platter was 
there; Wm Shakespeare pattern plates with 
67 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

golden dots; Mr Ancestor's glasswear in cut- 
up shapes of aggrevated beauty — every 
scarce China you could imagine was set there 
for folks to eat so I could wash it. 

Them guests was very hospitable to Mr 
& Mrs Jas Jones. They say them plates was 
so beautiful they make the food taste better 
than it was. They make happy conversations 
while Aunt Elizabeth tell about her husband 
who died from Rheumatism on the brains. 
Everybody speak of subject he like most. 
Hon. Mrs Jones tell mean things she could say 
to neighbours and Mr Budhammer describe 
how hai)py he was before marriage. Thus 
do social interchange make joyful friendship! 

After slight coffee was drunk all rose up 
and eloped forthly to verandah where all could 
smoke amidst fancy work and tell gossip anec- 
dotes. 

But I was not invited to this. It was now 
my important time for dish-wash when I 
should show all the science of my soul with 
that valuable China & other cups. 

I take all fashionable Ancestor dishes 
from table and pile to kitchen. I was de- 
liciously skilful like a bricklayer as I stacked 
cup on plate etc., until I got one nice crock- 
ery mountain 634 feet high with Mrs Martha 
68 



Hon. Dish Rag 

Washington pitcher standing top-tip of i6 
glasses looking beautiful like History monu- 
ment. It are remarkable how many dishes 
can pile on each other without falling off. 

I cooked some hot water by boiling it. 
Then I obtain Hon. Dishpan & satisfy him 
full of hot water, adding soap until it seem 
comfortable. Nextly I remove Hon. Dish- 
rag from window where he enjoy sunshine 
by looking into garden. With reverent fin- 
gers, so I should not mix mikerobes with him, 
I flop him to Dishpan. Then I splunge my 
hands into that sud and stir continuously. 

Mr Editor, did you ever stand with your 
fingers in warm dishwater thinking Thoughts. 
Such kind hotness surrounds your wrists that 
you feel poetical and disengaged. I am not 
suprised that so many servant ladies is such 
sweet singers while dish-washing. Their 
souls cannot remain hardened while their fin- 
gers is soaking in such pleasant soap sud. 

Suddenly, while thusly I stood, great con- 
fusion came to my brain. I remember what 
Hon. Mrs told me about keeping Hon. Dish- 
rag away from dirt. Then I look to that pile 
of Dishes. Some of them, though rare & 
expensive, was all disarranged by colours of 
food and blackberry pie. No! I could not 
69 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

enrage my sweet Boss Lady by touching sa- 
cred rag to that! 

So I lift Hon. Dishrag from soap-water, 
ring him out with loving care and begin shake 
him so no rude germs would remain from 
contact with sud. I make 2 complete shakes 
and was starting Shake No 3 — when O ! 
Hon. Dishrag escape from my finger and start 
flopping to floor ! Terrors ! This must not 
happen!! How raged Hon. Mrs would be if 
this respected rag should catch some dust 
against her stric orders ! 

With immediate quickness I make extreme 
grab sidewards, snatching rapidly like cats 
catching grasshopper. I got him — between 
thumbs and elbows I caught that escaping 
Rag, but in thusly behaving — whop ! My 
physique collapsed against entire dish-pile and 
following climax happened: 

SMASHES!!!! 

With noise peculiar to a crockery store 
falling of? an Alp all that expensive China & 
glasswear elapse to floor and mix itself into 
broken hash like a battlefields after cannon 
shoots it. You could not tell cups from plates 
in that crackery of crockery. 

" O murder from ignorant Japanese ! " holla 
Hon. Mrs Jas Jones & Company making inrush 
70 



Hon. Dish Rag 

to kitchen. " Alive sakes, you have dropped 
my entire home ! " 

And yet I smiled. 

" Why you laugh like hickory Indian when 
all I have is broke ? " she otter. 

" Mrs Madam," I corrode brave like frozen 
Napoleon, " I acknowledge the brokerage 
which I made amidst Hon. Dishes. Yet you 
needs not worry. I have saved your Dish- 
rag. 

Human nature are very doggish, Mr. Editor. 
Though I prove to that Lady how heroic I 
was she kill all my answers with her replies 
while Hon. Mr Jones toss me forth from that 
jobs. With rabid hat I bid farewell without 
saying so. I are just another hero walking in 
homeless direction because of shipwreck. 
Hoping you are the same 
Yours truly 

Hashimura Togo. 



71 



VII A DAY AT HOME 



VII A DAY AT HOME 

To Editor Woman's Page who is honest 
man, therefore at home when he is. 

DEAREST SIR: 
My next escape was from employ- 
ment of Mrs. Clarence Calicutt, Siberia, N. Y. 
This lady was very highly esteamed. She 
practise theosophy on her mind and make so- 
ciety acquaintance with frequent ladies. She 
had the most deceptive behaviour of any per- 
sonality I ever employed to boss me. Her 
voice was half in half. One end of it was 
sweet, but the other end contained considera- 
ble quinine. The bitterish end was all I ever 
saw. For instancely, in curl-paper hour of 
early morning she would arise upward from 
breakfast and say, " Togo, why you so dub 
this day? Are you foolish or merely brain- 
less ? " Hashly she spoke it. 

Jing-jing from telephone, 

"Hello — are that you, Clara? How 
charmed you are! Yes, honey, I should seem 
very much obliged ! " Sweetly she used her 
voice. 

75 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

" Why you speak lemons to me and honey 
to telephone ? " I asked to know. 

" Because," she report, " there are two ways 
of talking — one way for servants, other way 
for telephone." 

" Sometimes I wish you would talk to me 
like a telephone," I require, saddishly. 

One raindrop morning this Mrs. Calicutt ap- 
proach to me and report. " Togo, I am at 
home to-morrow afternoon." 

" Will you be more at home then than you 
are now ? " I ask it. 

" I are not at home now," she dib, snubbly. 

" How confused ! " I magnify. " You 
mean tell me you are not at home when I see 
you there standing ? " 

" Truthfully I speak it." This from her. 

" Then maybe you could be elsewhere when 
you are at home?" I collapse. 

" Quite conveniently," she otter, " I know 
some several ladies who frequently go ottomo- 
bile riding on days when they are at home." 

" America are full of customs," I report, 
enjoying headache in my understanding. 

" I am at home on second and fifth Wednes- 
days of September, June, and January," she 
speak onwards. " I choose them difficult 
dates so folks can amuse themselves calculat- 
76 



A Day at Home 

ing when they will see me next. It are not 
fashionable for a lady to be seen too fre- 
quently at her residence." 

" It would require train despatchers and 
astronomers to calculate when to call with 
cards," I report. She make no visible reply 
to that. 

" To-morrow is my Wednesday," she de- 
scribe, pridefully. 

" Will you keep this date all to yourself ? " 
I ask to know. 

" Not by no means I won't ! " she snudge. 
" I have invite considerable guests for slight 
tea-drunk. I asked them for 4. p. m. So I 
shall expect them about 6:30." 

" How much people you expect, if any ? " 
I require. 

" Folks who comes to afternoon tea-drunk 
are like mice what comes to traps. You 
never can tell how many you will catch. 
Sometimes refreshment-bait are entirely 
wasted without a nibble. Sometime they 
come in such quantities they carries off the 
trap. Sometime, when you ask folks to tea, 
they behave shyly like rabbits. Sometimes 
they make forward stampede like mules, all 
attempting to rush at once." 

" Then you cannot give me any statistic to 
77 



Mr, Togo: 31 aid of All Work 

estimate how many persons will arrive up to 
your Wednesday to-morrow ? " 

" I asked 80 persons. Perhapsly 8 or 200 
will arrive. Who knows what?" 

" Do all them persons expect to eat from 
your food ? " I asked, for cold eyebrows. 

" Folks does not come to teas to eat en- 
tirely, but to eat somewhat," she reproof. 
" Mutton chops, oyster, and soup would seem 
too heavyweight for such festival. Yet they 
would act disappointed and peevly if they 
could not have some lightweight refreshment." 

" Ham plus eggs would do for them, per- 
hapsly ? " I snuggest. 

" Nothing would seem more toothless for 
such occasion," she growell. " Slight nibble 
of cakes, slight squench of chocolate will be 
too sufficient with conversation. Therefore, 
I ask you to attend to refreshments for to- 
morrow. Please prepare following light- 
weight foods for them: 

5 doz. devilish ham samditches. 

5 doz, nutty samditches confused with 
cheeze. 

5 doz. letus samditches containing salad. 

12 qts. chocolate drunk. 

A large chorus of cakes, McAroons, candies 
& other meatsweets in confusion." 
78 



A Day at Home 

I done what she said, Mr. Editor. You 
cannot imagine with all your printer's ink 
how I enslaved myself preparing them sam- 
ditches for her festival. All morning of Wed- 
nesday I stood gashing bread with knives 
till I manufactured so much of that lay- 
between food that it stood in bulk. Piles of 
devilish ham samditches stood around near 
heaps of nutty cheeze samditches, resembling 
sky scrapers looking at Washington Monu- 
ments with jealous expression. 

All that A. M. Hon. Mrs. Calicutt rosh 
everywhere doing something to furniture & 
draping smilax buds from pictures to resem- 
ble greenery. At lunching hour she appear 
very disjointed and say, " Aunts of Columbus 
Society holds annual social this p. m. at 
Methodist Church. Maybe I shall not be 
able to catch many folks from this." Sad- 
ness stood in her voice. 

Hon. Clarence Calicutt, husband to her, re- 
tire homeward by 3:11 train and report, 
" What could be more nuisansical for business 
man than pink tea?" 

At 4:10 p. M. all was prepare. Cotisin 

Florence arrive for pore tea. Mrs. Clarence 

Calicutt set in central middle of room making 

her clothes look very social. Hon. Clarence 

79 



Mr. Togo: 31 aid of All Work 

Calicutt wear frockaway coat and require, 
" Can I smoke ? " whenever spoken to. Cousin 
Florence crouch behind tea-earn with expect- 
ful expression peculiar to sailors before battle. 
But nothing arrived yet. 

At 4:59 come jing-jing to door bell. Mrs. 
Calicutt arrange her smile, Cousin Florence 
set upright, & Hon. Clarence go to window 
where he attempt to look neglectful. 

I elope to door with desirable expression 
peculiar to butlers. With noble position of 
heels and elbows I ope door. What see? 
There stood one (i) Armenian peddle-man 
offering $2 tablecloths for $3.57. I enclose 
Hon. Door befront of his face. 

" This are most excited afternoon of my 
career," depress Hon. Calicutt, smoking 
cigars out of window so as not to fumigate 
curtains. 

Mrs. Calicutt make several petrified re- 
plies. 

At hour of 5 :68 p. m. Rev. Mr. Horse W. 
Dill come in. He never could afford to miss 
repasts anywheres because of his shrinking 
salary. 

" All world seem to be at Aunts of Colum- 
bus reception this afternoon," he say for 
diplomacy. 

80 



A Day at Home 

" I notice it," dib Hon. Mrs. " I just re- 
main home merely by accident to-day & so 
glad you come." 

I offer him 86 samditches. He ate 13 and 
I qrt. chocolate. He depart at 7:46 filled 
with delicious refreshment. After that Hon. 
Clarence, Mrs. Clarence, and Cousin Florence 
draw near together & gaze morbidly at them 
samditches piled in towers. 

For week latter, evening dinner at home 
of Calicutt contained following programme : 

SOUP 
Didn't have none. 

ENTREE 
Chocolate. Samditches containing cheeze. 

ROAST 
Devilish ham samditches. Nutty sam- 
ditches. 

SALAD 
Letus samditches. 

DESERT 
McAroons, cakes, more chocolate, & what- 
ever else. 

81 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All WorJc 

Hon. Mrs. Calicutt and Cousin Florence 
ate this table of contents without complain- 
ing voice. Ladies is often thusly — they do 
not desire real food when they can be eco- 
nomical. But me & Mr. Calicutt begin to feel 
very illegal when we look at them samditches 
which must be ate. Frequently Mr. Calicutt 
telephone home that his board of directors 
had appendicitis, therefore he must stay in 
town for dine. I forgive him this deception. 

Three weeks pass off. Then come fifth 
Wednesday when Mrs. Calicutt must again be 
at home for friends. 

" Togo," she pronounce that morning, " I 
have invite 120 complete persons and ex- 
pect to enjoy quite a stampede this p. m. 
Please multiply your former programme of 
samditches by twice." 

" I shall do so," I deploy. 

Yet my soul determined to do elsewise. 
Why must I again clutter that household 
with sky-scraping piles of samditches which 
nobody came to eat except Rev. ]\Ir. Dill 
who had merely appetite for 13? No! If 
Hon. Mrs. Calicutt was too foolish in her 
brain to keep from that extravagance, then 
I should save her from it. I should merely 
make 13 samditches and i qrt. chocolate, 
82 



A Day at Home 

sifficient for Hon. Dill. Yet I should make 
my Boss Lady think I was preparing great 
quantities. This deceptiveness require great 
heroism. 

" Togo," say her, coming to kitchen in 
early p. m., " Are bread & devilish ham and 
letus and marionaise dressing and chocolate 
all ready to be executed in vast quantities ? " 

" They are faithfully prepared," I pro- 
nounce with talented dishonesty. 

" I20 guests often feel very edible, so do 
it plenty," she acknowledge, eloping away. 

At 3 o'clock I manufacture 13 samditches 
and I qrt. chocolate. That was all we could 
afford to give Mr. Dill. 

" Where are refreshments, please ? " re- 
quesh Mrs. Calicutt when 4 p. m. was there. 

" I keep them cooly concealed in dark place 
where staleness will not arrive to them," I 
report, looking sly like roosters. She too 
busy preparing smilax buds to know how much 
money I saved her by not manufacturing food 
for guests who wouldn't come. 

At 4:63 p. M. I notice something which 
make my eyes alarmed. With tense puffing 
honk-music and wheel-rumble, 47 ottomobiles, 
buggies, motorcycles, & go-carts arrive up to 
house all together like sheep. They hitch 
83 



Mr, Togo: Maid of All Work 

up by front gate. Why was they came? O 
look see!! ii8 complete persons of every 
imaginable age & sect got out and make j ing- 
oing to door bell. 

One horblc thought roshed to my ears. 
All them folks was coming expecting to eat 
Rev. Dills' 13 samditches and i qrt. choco- 
late! I was blame for my economy. What 
must I do? My heart turned pale while 
hysteria filled my elbows. Already I could 
hear glad-you-came sound by Mrs. Calicutt 
while that hungry mobb make rosh through 
parlour room amidst disagreeable laughter. 

Swish-swish ! It was Mrs. Calicutt's silk 
footsteps coming. 

" Togo," she whisper with stage-voice, in- 
troducing her head at kitchen, " where is im- 
mediate food for 120 persons? " 

" Here, please," I report with quaker knees, 
poking forth them 13 samditches on plate. 

Shrieks by her. Deep breathing and 4 
sobs. I withdraw myself away from there 
before she should make a scenery. I slid 
myself from back door softly like cats walk- 
ing over ice-cycles. 

I felt very sorry for Mrs. Calicutt losing 
mc like that, but when I reached trolley-road 
where I got on, I felt less pity. After all, 
84 



A Day at Home 

there was Yz fraction of corned beef and i 
qrt. milk in ice-box, so them 120 At Homers 
needs not go entirely destitute from food. 
Maybe they would enjoy that, if conversa- 
tion was sifificiently fascinating. For what- 
say famus Japanese philosopher, Oysta-san? 
He say, " In good company crusts tastes rich, 
but in bore company ice-cream seems awful 
poor." 

Hoping you are the same, 
Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



85 



VIII PETS 



VIII PETS 

To Editor Woman's Page who do so much 
to make home-life less homely. 

HON. DEAR SIR: 
Mrs. Benjoman Barnum of Pyra- 
mid Park, Penn, is the latest lady to turn me 
loose. Whether she are a relationship to 
Hon. P. T. Barnum (deceased) I am not 
aware enough to say, but she have got a very 
menagerie mind. Her home is a tame zoo 
full of animals. I am sure, if she had a bigger 
parlour, she would keep a elephant. 

" Togo," she report to me when she hired 
me off the Fineheimer Employment Bureau, 
"nothing make home so lively as several 
Pets." 

" I notice this," is bright reply for me. 
" You are the most pettish lady I ever worked 
for." 

She did not seem to assimilate them words 
I said, yet they was truthful. Her home 
resembled Mr. Noah's Houseboat in variety 
89 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

of 4-foot, 2-foot & i-foot beasts it contained. 
By actual stastistics Mrs. Barnum possessed 
the following list of live Pets, which she sup- 
port from sweethearted reasons of kindness: 

I Dog of waggish ways & barking vocabu- 
lary. His name was Julius Siezer, but 
Neighbours call him *' Git Out ! " because he 
dug mines in their flower beds. I forgot his 
nationality, but his complexion was Irish; i 
Cat entitled Florence who earned her food by 
purring for it. Her feet was deliciously full 
of thorns; i Parrot called Robt. Burns be- 
cause his soul was in his talk; i cannary-bird 
name Dick. He didn't seem to have no re- 
semblance to his name; 2 Goldfish Twins, 
Harry & Carry who spent their days idly 
swimming in glass & saying nothing. 

Mrs. Barnum formerly had one husband 
who went dead. I congratulate him. 

When all those Pets is going at once, dog- 
bark, cat-mew, parrot-shriek and cannary- 
bird warbul, it sound like a brass band com- 
posed of dish-pans & steam whistles, 

" I love my dum friends," explan Mrs. 
Barnum to me with kind-eye expression. 

" I love them most when they are most 
dum," I repartee, suppressing my ears from 
those scrambled sounds. " If you could teach 
90 



Pets 

those goldy-fishes to sing, the harmonium 
would be complete." 

While I said thus that dog Siezer approach 
up and bit me on leg. 

" He do this in fun," say Mrs. Barnum. 

" So glad to hear ! " I negotiate. " Dogs 
never hurts so much when they bite humor- 
ously." 

" If you wish for to be employed in this 
home you must be keeper as well as house- 
keeper," she tell off. " Promptly at noon 
o'clock each day the annimals must be fed. 
Each have his peculiaristic diet, which he 
crave for health. Siezer must have bone, 
Florence require cream, Robt. Burns expect 
apple, Dick ask for seed, while Harry & Carry 
demand fish food. I should rather see any- 
thing than that my Pets go hungry." 

I assimulate her words and do what best 
I can. It require tack and courage to chap- 
erone those Pets. They are all cannibles by 
appetite and would love to eat each other for 
their food qualities. When Hon. Seizer, the 
dog, are unloosed from his mesh he start 
forthly with waggish expression of tail and 
attemp to gobble Hon. Florence, the cat. 
This delusive mammal are too speedful for 
that dog, so she elope with hissy noise to 
91 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

mantel-piece where she set growelHng with 
enlarged fur. When Hon. Siezer are absent 
attending other duties, Hon. Florence set hour 
by hour gazing upward at Hon. Dick, the 
cannary-bird, and wishing she had a baloon 
to obtain him with. When I approach this 
talented cat she make purr-song and slide 
around my ankles, requesting that I should 
give her Dick for lunch. I must refuse, out 
of politeness for Dick. Sometime Hon. 
Florence prefer fish. Then she walk up wall- 
paper like a fly and thusly arrive to shelf 
where Harry & Carry are swimming selfishly 
around in their toy ocean. 

Hon. Robt, Burns, the parrot, are less par- 
ticular. He like any sort of food, as long 
as it are alive. One day he observe me and 
say with tender squawk, " O darling, come, 
come to your own sailor boy ! " I come. 
When I approach sifficiently close. Oh, nipp! 
Hon. Parrot remove off % from my ear and 
set there looking satisfied. I sorrow to think 
he could talk so tender, yet act so tough ! 

Last Thursday A. M. Mrs. Barnum ap- 
proach to me. She did not know it was my 
last day with her. Neither did I. Life is 
so surprised! 

92 



Pets 

" Togo," she instruct, " I am going over to 
Aunt Jane's to set by a sick bedside." 

" Are Aunt Jane diseased ? " I require. 

" No. It are her cat what has influenza of 
the diagram," she tell. " I shall be gone i 
hour time. Remember, while I are away my 
pets must be fed. Do not neglect this. I 
would rather anything than that they should 
go hungry." 

I give her my promissory word. 

As soonly as she had went I begin task 
of furnishing bill-of-fare for her zoo. To 
Siezer I give bone, to Florence cream. They 
accept this without thanks. Then I donate 
one apple to Hon. Robt. Burns who sung, 
" Every morn I bring thee violets " and at- 
temp to chew off thumb from me. Every- 
thing was affectionate as usual. 

Nextly I go to shelf where Harry & Carry 
are bathing in glass. I took them to table 
where I irrigated them with fresh water. I 
was just feeding them slight lunch of deli- 
cious bait when SCRASH ! ! ! 

From next room I heard Hon. Robt. Burns 
say distinctly, " If you love me, darling, tell 
me with your eyes ! " So I knew he was do- 
ing some sort of murder. 
93 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

I rosh in. Oh ! ! what sight I seen. That 
parrot-fowell had escaped away from his 
roost and lept upward to goldy cage where 
Hon Dick was making opera with voice. 
With talented grabb that conversational 
chicken had shipwrecked Hon. Cage and de- 
posited Hon. Dick-bird to floor. When I met 
Hon. Parrot he was hen-picking that talented 
songster. I attemp to arrest him for his 
brutality, but he attach my finger with his 
eagle mouth. I was removing him from this 
when, SCRUNSH!!! 

Loud crashy of glass from next room. I 
rosh forwards. I was just in time to be too 
late. Hon. Florence had pushed glassy resi- 
dence of Hon. Goldfishes to floor and was 
dieting on those gilt swimmers. She look 
thankful while she make gollup of Harry. 
She also ate Carry 3^, but when I remove 
remainder from her she make reproachful 
growell and snagg me with thorny foot. I 
attempt to restore Hon. Carry who was 
fainted away, when— BOW WOWS ! ! ! 

Hon. Siezer approach to scene determined 
to obtain food supply from that cat. Hon. 
Florence rosh up curtains with angry sizz 
peculiar to sky-rockets when she seen that 
dogged approach. Hon. Dog smile up at 
94 



Pets 

Hon. Cat and Hon. Cat smile down at Hon. 
Dog. 

While thusly they stood Hon. Dick awoke 
up from where he lay and limped forth on 
shabby wings. He give 3 and >^ sorry peeps 
and flitter to fireplace where he flew up flue. 

Just at that instantaneous moment Hon. 
Robt. Burns arrive in with rawcuss yellup, 
and hooked his feet to chandelier where he 
hung suspended downside-up like a umber- 
ella. Dog & Cat continue to gaz up & down 
at each other like Romeo & Juliet. 

"Should old acquaintance be forgot?" 
require Hon. Parrot, twirling his head 3 times 
in circular manner. 

I had no time to reply to this inquisitive- 
ness. It were nearly time for Mrs. Barnum to 
return homeward and I was full of timid 
fright for fear she might notice how badly 
her Pets was mixed among themselves. I did 
not feel sifiicient to meet her angry rage. 

So I handed my resignation to myself. 

On hasty piece of paper I wrote : 

Esteamed Mrs. Madam : — when nextly you see 
Togo he will be gone. So will your golden-fish & 
cannary-bird. But I will not be gone where they 
are, because your Pets do not crave me for food. 
I are not sensitive about this neglect. When you 

95 



Mr. Togo: 31 aid of All Work 

left me this morning you say so that you thought 
their appetites was failing. I could not dishcover 
that dangerous symptom. All they need was change 
of food. If ever you find them refusing eat in the 
future, do what I done — turn them loose on each 
other. If you wish to find Harry & Carry, search 
Miss Florence. If you can not dishcover Miss 
Florence when you get back, search Mr. Siezer. I 
am sorry to go, but glad I went. 

I attach this information secretively to 
door-handle. From inside of house I could 
hear Hon. Siezer making coon-tree noises 
responded to by war-cry voice of Miss Flor- 
ence. From top-tip of chandelier Hon, Robt. 
Burns was reporting peevly, " Fare-bye, for 
I must leave thee! One parting kiss — ar, 
ar, ar ! ! " 

I sneek silently away on velvet feetsteps, 
feeling like one Spartan boy who done his 
duty by escaping from it. 

Hoping you are the same, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



96 



IX WASHING WINDOWS 



IX WASHING WINDOWS 

To Editor Woman's Page whose mind is 
glass which shoots daylight into Subjects. 

DEAR SIR:— 
Until quite recently of yore I re- 
mained in the suburbs of Pennsylvania at 
home of Mrs Nero Fits Gibb, where I stayed 
as long as I did. 

It was because of windows that I was ex- 
ploded off from that lovely situation of em- 
ployment. Next job of work I shall hitch 
myself to some house which do not contain 
any of those glass encumbents. 

I tell you this narrative. 

That Hon. Mrs Fits Gibb reside in one 
large mahogany house containing sifficient 
windows to see everything through. Bay win- 
dows occur at moments when least expected; 
skylights peep from roof with expression pe- 
culiar to pair of spectacles. That house has 
got windows all over its face from its chin to 
its forehead, and every door are confused by 
glass stained brightly to resemble colours. 
99 



Mr, Togo: Maid of All Work 

" Togo," explan Hon. Mrs to me, " I are 
very fond of fresh daylight." 

" You have caged nearly all there is," I 
corrode for politeness while gazing at 13 doz. 
windows surrounding. 

" When doing nothing," she explan, " it shall 
be your duty to wash them windows with care- 
ful soap. This will make them more light." 

" I am hired for light work," I suggest. 
*' What are most scientific way to bathe these 
glass eyes of your home ? " 

" Most artistic window-wash can be ob- 
tained with a ladder and a bucket," she de- 
ploy. " Also rags must be used including 
soap and gymnastics. Take these materials 
to window requiring cleanliness and rub until 
exhausted. Continue this massage on next 
window and therefore on. Industry must be 
had. Do not abandon a pain of glass until 
he shine with brilliancy resembling genius." 

So I go do what she say. I got ladder, I 
obcured rags, I obtained sudds bucket accord- 
ing to orders Hon. Mrs Fits Gibb gave me. 
So farly so goodly. 

Grasping ladder on my shoulder with mili- 
tary expression I walk around Hon. House 
to pick out one window what appear good 
natured & easy. More I looked less I could 
100 



Washing Windows 

decide. That Hon. House continue to gaze 
at me sternly like one octopus with looo glass 
eyes. At lastly I find one pompus bay win- 
dow what set over front door presenting 
swelled appearance peculiar to Presidents. 

I look thoughtfully upwards and make 
philosophy by myself. 

" Window-wash are like Success," I com- 
mute. " It are most pleasant to begin at the 
top and work downward. Therefore I shall 
begin by soaping this important outlook." 

So I amount up ladder with Hon. Bucket 
inclosed in my knuckles and numberous rags 
embraced by my suspenders. Uply and more 
uply I march until I was there looking Hon. 
Window in the face. So I begin to wash 
him. 

Mr Editor, the simplest things in life seems 
the most simplest when they are not. Do it 
not seem easy to your educational brain for 
a Japanese Schoolboy to carry sudds up ladder 
and apply him to window pain by rubs of rag ? 
And yet such work are full of complex. 

No sooner I begin attacking this job than 
I dishcover how Hon. Window Wash must be 
like a juggle in a circus. To obtain myself 
on that ladder I must clasp my toes with 
carefulness resembling stork, at same time 

lOI 



3Ir. Togo: 31 aid of All Work 

I must balance Hon. Bucket by elbow, hold 
Hon. Rags in teeth and splatter Hon, Window 
with what fingers I had left. In the mean- 
while, what was Hon. Soap doing? When 
he got wet his nature changed and he imagined 
he was a snake. He would not stay where he 
was, but amuse himself by slipping ofif from 
everywheres I put him. Every time he fall, 
I must dutifully ascend down that ladder, pick 
him from grass, carefully descend upwards 
again and attempt to hang him somewheres 
where he would not make an eel of himself. 
I never seen soap so full of slyness. 

And yet I work onwards in spite of him. 
With delicious accuracy I threw sudds on 
Hon. Window till he seem to weep tears. 
Then I wipe him elaborously with rag. Yet 
more I wipe, less beautiful he appear. Grey- 
ness cover him with streaks. More rubbs. 
Stripes of smudge confuse that glass. More 
lather I put on. Yet Hon. Window continue 
to look dull & bilious. I massage him up and 
down with greased elbow until it was nearly 
sunset of p. m. O discouraged! If dia- 
monds is so hard to polish, I are not surprised 
that nobody but policemen can afford such 
jewelery. 

IQ2 



Washing Windows 

Pretty soonly I could hear voice of Hon. 
Mrs saluting me crossly from below down. 

" Togo," she report, " you have been 2 hours 
in labour of work. How many windows have 
you bathed completely ? " 

" Nearly one," I corrode boastfully. 

" If it take you 2 hours to wash nearly one 
window, how long would it take you to 
cleansify 211 glass pains in this house?" 
This arithmatic from her. 

" 422 hours," I reject brightly. " If you 
will loaned me paper & pencill, I shall be 
happy to estimate how many weeks that 
makes." 

" Xmas will arrive before then," she ag- 
nosticate with bang of door. 

I could not understood her repartee. 
Maybe she intend to give me Xmas present. 

When fatigue was too plenty for more ex- 
ercise I stand on climax of that ladder hold- 
ing sudds bucket in thoughtful position. 
Great thoughts can be obtained in such high 
altitudes, thusly perched with excelsior feel- 
ing of brain. Leaning against glass forehead 
of that bay window I could observe Nature 
acting as usual amidst houses where residences 
was. Walking amongst those houses I could 
103 



Mr, Togo: Maid of All Work 

observe bill collectors, insurance agents and 
neighbours — which show that Trouble come 
wherever folks resides. " Life are similar to 
such scenery," I say for smart quotation. 

While thusly I argued, some ottomobile 
wheels could be heard walking below in front 
of house. I look downly and observe very 
fashionable appearance of society — one 
bloated gas-machinery stopping up near feet 
of ladder while one complete lady enwrapped 
in Arctic mouse-skins fur sat there talking 
Waldorf language to a chauffer of military 
pattern. I could tell she was 400 by actual 
count. 

" Hennery," she say to Hon. Chauffer, 
" ring door and pronounce that Mrs. Diggle 
Clodd have arrived for slight calling visit on 
Mrs. Fits Gibb." 

" I do so ! " This from Hon. Hennery. 

While Hon. Hennery was making rings by 
door, I lean from ladder and observe the ele- 
gance of that financial lady as she flopped 
amidst coloured padding and showed the 
splandid millinary of her hat. 

Great excitement by me. She were not 
beautiful as ladies go — and some ladies goes 
considerable. Her hair was red like a blush- 
ing brick and her face seem too wealthy to 
104 



Washing Windows 

agree with anybody. Yet I was enraptured 
to be standing above so much money. 

I perch on ladder to imitate birds. Pretty 
soonly Hon. Hennery, containing expensive 
boots, report back. 

" Hon. Mrs. Gibbs are here where she is," 
he acknowledge while opening ottomobile door 
so Hon. Lady could alight down richly. 
Queens act thusly when getting out of ships. 
I could observe the fluttering ostriches on top 
of her millinary head. How expensive to esti- 
mate! 

When she was snuggling forth in direction 
of front door, I must lean very crooked back- 
wards for see what was. I could not tell 
how it happen, but when leastly expected — 
O knock! Hon. Soap slyly slip forth from 
window-sill where he was setting and flop to 
hat of Mrs. Diggle Clodd ! ! ! Great mixture 
of plumage ensued while feathers drop with 
confusion resembling 2 roosters fighting in a 
cyclone. 

" Oh Hennery ! Look upwards and see 
what ! " she shreech. 

Hennery do so, and while thusly he gazed 
my elbow disjoint himself and O swash!!! 
That suds bucket flop forwards & spill 2 com- 
plete gals soap-water on top of his elegance. 
105 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

He siiow bitter expression peculiar to per- 
sons standing under Niagara. 

" Who do it ? " holla Hon. Hennery & Hon. 
Mrs. 

" I no do it ! " were lawyer reply for me. 
" Hon. Bucket must be guilty." 

" Are you not manager for that bucket ? " 
require Hon. Hennery. 

" How could I tell when he is going to 
shoot ? " I narrate. 

" Hennery ! ! " she gubble, " elope up ladder 
and pluck that impertinence down 1 " 

Mr. Editor, I are a tame Japanese, yet when 
I observe gentleman in uniform descending 
up ladder with warfare expression, all the 
Port Arthur of my nationality come out. 

" Hara kiri ! " I acknowledge to Hon. Chauf- 
fer while shooting remnants of sudds-water 
straight at his profile. He look very bath- 
house — yet he still continue to approach. 

" When I obtain you — " he pronounce, 
making a grab to heel. 

" When you get me I shall be elsewhere," 
I defy. Thusly speaking I leap into the face 
of that bay window and arrive inside of bed- 
room with loudy crashes. Somebody below- 
stairs yell, " Burglar ! " — but I knew I could 
not be a burglar and be so noisy. Hon. Hen- 
io6 



Washing Windows 

nery continue to approach up ladder. In 
anxious escape I jump over ii chairs, 2^ beds 
with numerous etcetera. 

In a soon moment I could observe wet head- 
ware of Hon, Hennery encroaching through 
window where he enter with rebound. I 
make talented dodge to hallway where I bang 
door & lock him, thus encircling Hon. Chauf- 
fer with his wrath. 

Below downstairs I could hear Hon. Mrs 
Clodd talking mustard to Hon. Mrs Gibb. I 
could hear angry voices walking upstairs. 

If I lost any time I must do so quickly. I 
trot backwards down hall. From window in 
rearward bedroom I seen one porch-escape 
from which I flew like aeroplanes. I make 
down shoot to ground while Hon. Mrs. holla 
from window. 

" Togo," she yall, " you are requested never 
to look into my house again ! " 

" Those residing in a houseful of windows 
should look out for themselves," I nudge back 
walking away in sections. 

Hoping you are the same, yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



107 



X PAPER-HANGING 



X PAPER-HANGING 

To Editor Home & Ladies Page who realise 
how wallpaper are like friendship: sometime 
he stick right, and sometime he don't. 

DEAR MR: 
Mrs Bertha Mac Frenzie, a very 
medium lady residing in Boston, Conn., dis- 
employed me recently from happy home. I 
was very satisfactory help to her until follow- 
ing anecdote happen to me. 

Mrs Mac Frenzie's only extravagance are 
her stingyness. Careful in most everything, 
she become extra reckless when attempting to 
save 9c. Her thoughts are filled with skimmed 
milk & slaughterhouse steak. I am suprised 
Hon. U. S. Government do not hire her to saw 
off High Cost of Living before he start to 
grow any taller. I know because I seen it. 

" Togo," she require of me, " too much 
wealth is lavished in that soup you make. He 
is too thick." 

"If he become thinner he will faint away," 
I warn out. 

Ill 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

" Soup will stand considerable starvation 
and yet seem hearty," she deploy. So I do 
so. 

Last Wedsday she approach up to me with 
arms full of roll-up material. 

" I have dishcovered now so I can save 9$ ! " 
she deploy with glee-club voice. 

" Such saving may involve great expense," 
I corrode brightly. 

She neglect my chivalry. 

" I am determined to paper bedroom of 
upstairs," she rake off. " This shall be done 
by home-made labour. These wallpapers 
what I got only cost loc. per roll, thusly sav- 
ing 1$, Experienced paper hangmen require 
4$ per day. It take 2 such to paste a room 
properly. I shall employ you for nothing to 
do this valuable task, thusly saving 8$. There- 
fore, I save 1$ 4- 8$ = 9$." 

" What clever stingyness you think up ! " I 
oblate. No response from her. 

She led me upwards to bedroom where that 
job must be. 

" Have you any knowledge of paper-hang- 
ing?" she ask it. 

" I never before attended such a lynching," 
was answer I make. 

" I show you how is," she reciprocate. So 
112 



Taper-Hanging 

she lay down following tools on floor where I 
could see: 

12 bundles wallpaper of blue complexions 
tattooed with beauty resembling cauliflowers 
flirting with grapes. 

I complete bucket filled with undigested 
dough to make it stick by. 

Confused rags to pat with. 

I ironing board to stick paper on top of. 

I ladder to lift paper on when hanging him. 

I shears for cut up paper by. 

" Firstly," correspond Hon, Mrs with 
shears, " you must take Hon. Paper thusly 
and manicure edges." 

She make cut-up with shears for show how. 

" Nextly you must measure wall with very 
careful tailorship, so Hon. Paper will fit neatly 
like a coat." 

I observe her did it. 

" Nextly make chop off to Hon. Paper at 
place where he fits. Then lay him on iron- 
ing-board and lather his back completely with 
dough from Hon. Bucket." 

By brush she do so. 

" Next Hon. Paper are ready to be lynched. 
Raise him tenderly by both ears while climb- 
113 



'Mr, Togo: Maid of All Work 

ing ladder and spread him on wall with smooth- 
ness resembling butter. If he refuse to lay 
still, pat him lovingly with rags." 

She teach me that science while I stand 
gast to observe her skilful thumbs. 

"Can you do this jobs?" she require to 
know. 

" Elaborately," I confiscate. 

And yet I were not aware that paperhang- 
ing are like poetry, marriage, and other games 
— deliciously easy to look at, but less easy to 
do. 

So Hon. Mrs Mac Frenzie depart away for 
make society elsewheres and I was left alone- 
some with that paper. Firstly I look at him 
long time admiring the extreme art of his 
complexion. I could not realise how so many 
grapes and cauliflowers could get together 
without being confused. Admiration by me! 

Then I start some industry. Firstly I cut 
sifficient chunk of this flowery decoration so 
he will fit wall. This were aggrevated task 
to do, because when I unroll him to make 
measure, he roll back with rat-trap expression 
and burst my thumbs. I can only make him 
behave by putting my feet on him while hold- 
ing him down to ironing board. Pretty soonly, 
by extreme skill of swashing, I manage to 
114 



Paper-Hanging 

plaster his back with dough like Mrs Mac 
Frenzie told me. 

Mr Editor, to lubricate wallpaper with 
paste are difficult art like greasing snakes with 
cold cream. There are so much longness to 
him that he can do one thing with front end, 
while accomplishing otherwise with tail. So 
it was. Onwards & onwards I continue to 
paste Hon. Wall Paper while he uncoil to any 
extent. Pretty soonly front end of him were 
drooping to carpet, and yet I continue to 
brush his back. 

At lastly he were entirely moist and ready 
to be lynched. With delicious politeness I 
pick him up by corners and start to descend 
up ladder with brave expression of fireman 
saving actresses. But when I was nearly up- 
ward I discover one sad event. Lower end 
of Hon. Paper refuse to be elevated. For 
what reason? For reason because he had 
pasted himself to carpet and clung there with 
stupidity resembling cats. 

" I must domineer this wallpaper with my 
personality," I say to self. So I lift both 
elbows strongly in attempting to jerk him from 
carpet. With expression of helpless peev 
peculiar to angle-worms he tore in two. ^ 
of his flowery egotism drop stickfully to ear- 
ns 



Mr. Togo: 31. aid of All Work 

pet. Other ^ remain affectionately clinging 
to my lower legs where he remain, however 
much I beg him to desist off. 

Wallpaper, Mr Editor, resemble some fe- 
male Ladies, beautiful in their complexions, 
but very sidewise when least expected. 

So on that ladder stood me & Hon. Wall 
Paper clinging together like Romeo & Juliet, 
but not mentioning love poems. The more I 
loosened, the more he tightened. By time I 
was able to disjoint him from my legs, he had 
fell affectionately on my chest where he make 
behaviour peculiar to postage stamps. Yet I 
did not enrage. Diplomacy frequently suc- 
ceeds where boxing gloves are footless. So I 
decide to conquer Hon. Wall Paper by kind- 
ness. Gently, almost shyly I ripped him from 
my chest at same moment so arranging my 
wrists that I could detach him away from my 
legs. Oh joyful ! Soonly he were divorced 
from me and swinging entirely free where I 
hold him aloftward by his ears. This were 
fine moment to paste him suddenly before he 
understood what I was doing. 

So I make quick jump at wall with deter- 
mined elbows. But Hon. Paper were more 
sudden than me. Before I could think he 
ii6 



Paper-Hanging 

looped himself sidewise and became stuck on 
himself. 

This make curious perdiclement. Try as 
I should to pry him apart, he become more 
and more absorbed in his personality. By 
this time his blue complexion were so con- 
fused by finger-prints that he look entirely 
Bertillon. It would require mathematics to 
tell which was right side of him and which 
wrong. 

Then I decide to kill him at once and try 
another. So I clump him up in wad resem- 
bling laundry and cast him outward by win- 
dow. 

This were cruel thing to do, but there are 
some things which look best when you can't 
see them. 

Next piece paper I try were less backward. 
He stand very tame & quiet while I measure 
him. He sat still and wagg his tail while I 
paste him by brush. I love very much to 
think how polite he act. Pretty soonly he 
were ready to be hung, so I elope up ladder 
filled with happy thoughts to think how happy 
Mrs Mac Frenzie would get when she seen 
her wall so broke out with buds. With art 
expression peculiar to Michael Angelo I up- 

J17 



Mr. Togo: 31 aid of All Work 

raise Hon. Wall Paper aboveward. He lay 
still and quiet like eggs. Adjusting my thumbs 
I was entirely ready to paste him when — O 
pounce ! 

Oozing damp glue from his annointed back 
he suddenly fall on my head and surround me 
where I stood on that ladder. 

It were like riding an airship while being 
buried in a tent full of mucilage. It were like 
sleeping between sheets of fly-paper. 

I were in a very perdiculous position. Must 
I leap from ladder, thusly bursting neck so far 
from Japan? Or must I stood there and be 
gradually smothered up in mural decorations? 

I could feel sticky substance drooping from 
my hair & eyebrows. I stood on my perch 
like a blind bird. 

" What this ? " I could see a voice beside 
me saying so. It were Mrs Mac Frenzie, I 
could told by the claws in her speech. 

" Gug I " I response with all the language 
I could. I knew she was observing my wall- 
paper face. 

" Come down at oncely ! " she holla. I obey 
by tittering backwards from my perch and 
walking on air which had a hole in it thus 
permitting me to fall 12 feet to central room 
where most of the furniture was, including 
118 



Paper-Hanging 

Hon. Paste Bucket which got confused in 
everything else including me. 

When I pick myself uply from that rum- 
pus, my head was intruding from wallpaper 
hood like a fanciful millinary. 

Hon. Floor were covered by paste, paper, 
and relics of where I fell. 

" You done nice job ! " snarred Hon. Mrs 
who stood in midst. 

" I shall do better next place," I recover. 

" You have papered everything in the room 
except the wall," she dib sarcastly. 

" I are going to paper that next," are an- 
swer for me. 

" There shall never not be no Next ! " she 
Squabble, while poking me forthly into frost- 
bite of street. 

There I stood in coldness without any other 
overcoat except wall paper I wore. 

So I slushed saddishly to trolley remember- 
ing words of Hon. Alild Standish. " If you 
want a thing done wrong, do it yourself I " 
Hoping you do so. Yours truly 

Hashimura Togo. 



(tig 



XI HON. GLADYS OBTAIN MATRI- 
MONY 



XI HON. GLADYS OBTAIN MATRI- 
MONY 

To Editor Woman's Page, who do so much 
to make family life less lonesome. 

DEAR MR SIR:— 
Home of Hon. Samule Scott, East 
Orange, N. J., is one of the nicest homes from 
which I ever was discharged from. When I 
first went there to work that family contained 
following list of persons : 

Mrs Scott 

Mr 

Miss " "(retired). 

This Miss Scott were young lady of 20 
years complete beauty. O such smiling hair 
& blond eyes ! How well her complexion 
matched her costume! Before her marriage 
her name was Gladys, but I are not sure what 
she is called now, as each American girl must 
change her name when she get married. This 
is very confusing custom to Japanese boy. I 
was working for that Scott family when that 
123 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

Hon. Gladys obtained matrimony. I never 
seen an American wedding before. Now I 
realise why so many people in these U. S. ob- 
ject to being married more than once. 

Hon. Scott, who has been a father to Gladys 
all her life, arrived up to me last Tuesday 
P. M. and say fidgetfully, 

" Togo," he say, " there will be a wedding 
in this house next Satday & I wish you would 
be as stylish as possible in passing food. You 
must appear fashionable in every way, because 
it are customary on such occasions to look 
more wealthy than you are." 

" Are you going to be married again, Hon. 
Sir?" I ask with chivalry. 

" Not if I could avoid it ! " he say peevly. 
" It is my daughter Gladys who I shall give 
away." 

" To who will you donate this charming 
lady ? " I ask out. 

" Hon. Charlie Sweetberry will be the blush- 
ing bridebroom," he pronounce. " You re- 
member Charlie who arrive here more & 
more frequently bearing flowers?" 

" Distinctually," I report. " He came witH 
rose-bud tokens so frequently I thought that 
he was a florist." 

" We intend to make this wedding so joy- 
124 



Hon. Gladys 

ful that we are all quite miserable preparing 
for it," he describe. " The event will be shot 
off at high noon." 

" Are noon on a wedding day any higher 
than any other noon ? " I require for infor- 
mation. 

"If you paid the bills you would think 
so ! " he explode glubly & walk in an offward 
direction. 

Mr Editor, you would be surprised to see 
how much burden that wedding was to Hon. 
Express Co. who brought the packages ! For 
several entire days bundles arrove in large 
quantities of freight. Street in front of that 
house was headquarters for delivery wagons. 
Messengers came continually bringing Merry 
Christmas parcels enwrapped in paper. Hon. 
Samule Scott, assisted by me & family, would 
spend long-time each day disenwrapping those 
parcels and gossiping about what came. Ex- 
citement. Out would drop some golden fork 
or swollen pitcher marked " Happy Re- 
turns." 

" Why should these be labelled ' Happy Re- 
turns' ? " I negotiate. 

" Because," pronounce Hon. Samule with 
depressed eyebrows, " they are all returns of 
wedding presents we sent other folks." 
125 



Mr, Togo: Maid of All Worh 

I stand gast at this phenomenal. 

Each day for 14 complete hours that han- 
som Scottish home stood full of dressmakers, 
vacuum cleaners, dentists, milliners, reporters 
and other necessities of life. Hon. Samule 
Scott walk around looking tense like a finan- 
cial crisis. Mrs. Scott were always busy. 
When not engaged in any other housekeeping 
she set down and wept some tears. 

" Why you wept, Hon. Lady ? " I ask to 
know. 

" I am preparing for the wedding," she say 
back. " No wedding can look fashionable 
without a few weeps." 

Each morning Hon. Gladys Scott stand up 
with dressmaker and report with angry rage 
of girlish soprano, " You make me so nervus 
that screaming would seem pleasant ! " Yet a 
few moments later she meet Hon. Chas Sweet- 
berry in parlour & report with kitten words, 
" O Chas, I am so happy ! " 

My brain feel cross-eyed to hear this du- 
plex conversation. 

Friday night Hon. Tortoni, Italian eater- 
man, back-up horse to front lawn and dump 
forth sifficient camp-chairs to furnish i com- 
plete picnic. Hon. Chas Sweetberry & i 
clergy man come later. They meet that Scott 
126 



Hon, Gladys 

family, including Hon. Gladys, in parlour 
where they lock door and say a long ceremony, 
walking around & giving away several times. 

When Hon. Sweetberry come outside to 
smoke cigaret, I say to him with banzai in 
my voice, 

" Congratulations, Mr Sir ! " 

"For what?" he dib. 

" For your marriage which just took place," 
I encroach. 

" That wasn't marriage," he snork. " We 
was just practising." 

I was confused. 

* * * * 6 

Great date of wedding was finally there. 
All furniture in Hon. Parlour was fixed like 
pews, so all could take set-down. Mrs Scott 
wep some more when she seen the chairs in 
tiers. All that home was dressed with 
greenish smilax like a beautiful salad. Hon. 
Bridebroom arrive with silk-pipe hat over 
his headache. Five or six best men emerge 
at front door wearing Floridora clothing. 
Bridal-maidens came in quantities looking 
like they wondered who would be next. Hu- 
mouristical college friends walk up carrying 
footware, rice & other groceries. Several 
hack-loads of relatives was wheeled to door. 
127^ 



Mr, Togo: 31 aid of All Work 

Silence. 

A clergy man encroach at side door with 
Rev Mr. expression. 

All was prepare. Yet something was not. 
Hon. Samule Scott rosh up to me with quiet 
craze. 

" Togo," he whasper, " where are Chas, the 
bridebroom ? " 

" I seen him in aunty-room off library quar- 
relling with his necktie," I report. 

Surely yes! He was there in aunty-room 
trying to correct the nervus behaviour of his 
collar button. 

" This is the happiest day of my life," re- 
port Hon. Chas when dishcovered, " How my 
shoes hurt me ! " 

More silence. 

All that audience now set in parlour ex- 
pectfully. Humouristical college friends pass 
rice-package amidst eyewinks peculiar to 
comedians. Several relatives appear quite 
affectionate. 

Music emerj from piano. Hon. Bride- 
broom with serene collar now pop forth and 
stand amid flowers at end of room. 2x2 
now S:ome Bridlemaidens expensively trimmed. 
Hon. Bride, artistically enwrapped in original 
Irish curtains, nextly step forth supporting 
128 



Hon. Gladys 

her Father, who need this attention because 
of his qnaker knees. 

" You are what you say you are ? " require 
Hon. Clergy to Bride & Broom who now 
stand close by. 

They agree to this. 

" Has somebody here an objection to this 
gentleman ? " ask Hon. Preach to audience. 

Everybody seem careless about replying. 
I was going to say how I thought he was too 
easily peeved about his neckties, but Hon. 
Preach neglected to wait. 

When Hon. Preach explain to Bride how 
she must take that man for worse & more of 
it, she seem to feel no alarm. He warned 
her about several things which I could not 
hear. Still she was determined to be mar- 
ried. So Hon. Bridebroom, who seem too en- 
tranced to remember, borrow a ring from Best 
Man and Miss Scott became a Mrs. 

Wildly onrush of friends now ensued. 
Kissing heard everwheres amidst sobs & other 
joy. Most elderly gentlemans was most duti- 
ful about kissing Bride. 

" No one shall be permitted this salute ex- 
cept relatives ! " holla Hon. Bridebroom ap- 
pearing slightly frantic. 

" Then we must be included," report i6 
129 



Mr. Togo: 31 aid of All Work 

humouristic college friends. " We are fra- 
ternity brothers to you." They approach 
with happy mob. 

Nextly come wedding brekfast. This was 
the most latest brekfast I ever passed food 
for. Also it was so innapropriate for brek- 
fast, because wine was served instid of eggs. 
And the only toast which they ate was drank 
amidst speeches. Everytime somebody poke 
forth harsh word about Hon. Bridebroom it 
seem laughing-signal for all. 

" This young man," report Uncle Henry to 
Hon. Bride while he rose upward, " This young 
man remind me dishagreeably of his Uncle 
Hiram which led a wild life and was sent 
to Congress in his old age. Be careful or he 
will do likewise." 

The blushing Bride seem very calm. It was 
the Bridebroom who done nearly all the blush- 
ing. 

Pretty soonly the recent Mr & Mrs Sweet- 
berry make quick-change to railroad clothing 
and elope together to hack outside. While 
they was walking down front steps those i6 
humouristic college chums suddenly give Black 
Hand signal. 

WHOSH ! ! 

42 gallons selected rice make cyclone upon 
130 



Hon. Gladys 

hat-plumage of that Mrs Bride who escape 
with screem to carriage. 

BOMBIl 

12 complete carpet slippers hit Mr Bride- 
broom with accurate target-practice just as 
he was lifting his legs into that cab. More 
feetware mingled with rice arrive in droves 
and hit Hon. Carriage with angry strokes. 
My Samurai soul stood endwise with alarm. 
I should prevent this cruelty. 

" O stop ! " I holla, roshing forwards. 
"Why should you attack them young folks 
and drive them forth with brutality after what 
they has went through? Toss one more rub- 
ber boot and I shall rebuke you with my 
rages." 

While thusly I spoke one 2nd handed ball- 
room slipper stroked my hair and I walk 
away feeling absent in my brain. 
Hoping you are the same 
Yours truly 

Hashimura Togo.^ 



131 



XII FALL CLEANING 



XII FALL CLEANING 

To Editor Good Housekeeping Magazine, 
who realise how collapsed home life looks 
when being cleaned. 

DEAR MR: 
Some folks is so clean they cause con- 
siderable untidiness everywheres they go. 
Such was Hon. Mrs August Moon of Salem, 
Mass, who is another of my bosses gone by. 
This lady got a house containing mahogany 
chairs which was brought over by Hon. Pil- 
grim Fathers when they was running ferry- 
boat CauliUower between Salem and Grand 
Rapids, Mich. She revere her furniture and 
all her other ancestors. Each day she require 
me to stroke her mahogany lovingly with fur- 
niture polish. 

This Hon. Lady are very superstitious 

about dirt. She think it are not clean to 

have around. She imagine dust, soot & 

mildew enter her house like a burgler and 

135 



Mr. Togo: 31 aid of All Work 

Togo must be a policeman to arrest it when 
it gets inside. 

" Togo," she say, while I am enslaving 
myself amidst dishwater in kitchen, " I just 
heard a mouse making footprints in attic. 
Rosh up with mop, please, and remove his 
muddy tracks." 

I do so. 

" Togo," she requesh nextly, " six autumn 
leaves has fell on the walk be front of the 
house. Gather them in your apron and bum 
them thoroughly in kitchen stove, taking care 
that no ashes escape." 

I do so. 

" Togo," she hypothecate, " I can observe 
two fly-tracks running over portrait of my 
ancestor, Gov. Beelzebub Biggs. Kindly to 
wash his face carefully with cast-steel soap 
and don't offend his dignitary." 

This also I accomplish compressing the in- 
surgent feeling that arise continuously in my 
elbows. 

" The early bird obtains worms," she say 
cheerly when I arise at 4.32 a. m. for scrubb 
with sudds. 

" At such time as this I prefer sleep to 
worms," are smart reply I make. 
136 



Fall Cleaning 

" To-day we shall commence houseclean- 
ing," she report last Fryday a. m. 

" Commence it ! " I communicate crossly 
like Napoleon. " When did we ever discon- 
tinue to houseclean ? " 

" Ah ho ! " she laugh at. " What you has 
been doing is merely lick-and-promise. 
Housecleaning are different. To house- 
clean you must pull down everything that 
is up and pull up everything that is down. 
Home must be carried out into the back 
yard and throughly swep. All dust in house 
must be shoved out onto carpets which are 
on clothesline ; then all carpets on clothes- 
line must be brutably punished with clubs un- 
til dust fly back into house. And so on until 
exhausted." 

I could not disobey such wise demand. So 
I remove off coat and commence eloping up 
& down stair, each time carrying some variety 
of pianos and mahogany dresser. My sus- 
penders bulged with gigantic strength while 
Hon. Mrs Moon stood near and explained how 
I was more weak than Irish labour. 

That house were completely filled with 
break-a-brack and other dishes which had 
been shot full of holes by mean British in 



Mr, Togo: Maid of All Work 

Battle of Revolution which occurred in 1492. 
There was many plates & cups, beautiful but 
very lame. I drop several of these in re- 
moval, and they look more broke than usual. 
Several of them fell down stairs ahead of me 
and arrived with considerable crashes. 

" I estimate my loss at $580 which must 
be removed from your wages," Mrs Moon 
say-so while she stood mourning over those 
fractured relicks. 

I reply by saying nothing. 

I rip up carpets with strength peculiar to 
a giant full of steam. I throw him on 
clothesline and trott backwards for more. 
I bathe Mr Moon's painted ancesters with 
soap-wash till they look nearly handsome. I 
polish floors, door, silver & hardwear with 
continuous rapidity. I wash stove with sudds 
and clean 14 pairs gloves with gasolene. 

Then another breakage occur which were 
too bad. I was smoothing one snobbish- 
looking china-closet with rags, when I axi- 
dentally broke him endwise by dropping out 
of window. Mrs. Moon could not help from 
noticing. 

"$19.82 extra subtracted from your 
wages ! " she holla arithmatically. 

No intelligent reply from me. 
138 



Fall Cleamng 

Hon. Mrs Moon spend morning in attic 
opening reverend trunks and fetching forth 
quilts & skirts belonging to Pilgrims. These 
I also pin to clothes-line. Nextly I brosh 
wall-paper with whisk and climb to roof 
where I save a white cat which had crolled 
up drain-pipe to suicide himself. I receive 
no extra pay for this kindness. While doing 
thusly I burst $27 worth of windows and bill 
was sent to me by Mrs Moon who holla how 
much it was. 

I carry 6 tons complete books from cellar 
to library on 3rd floor. When I find they no 
belong there I took them back again. I also 
transmit considerable bags containing coal 
from woodshed to basement where it look 
more comfortable. 

Very sorry event occurred when I was wash- 
ing 48 eggs shell china cups. Shelf of table 
upturned and all splatter to floor. Mrs Moon 
screech and charge it to my account. 

After that I paint back porch, carry side- 
boards, croll over all ceilings of rooms to fish 
away cobwebs with broom and stuff uphol- 
stery into all lounges what need it. 

Mrs Moon were a very thoughtful woman. 
She always thought of something more for 
me to do with arms and legs. When I was 
139 



Mr, Togo: Maid of All Work 

on top-ladder dusting chandeliers she sud- 
denly remember her mother's fire-screen she 
had not seen since Agnes was married. 

" Go down cellar and open 1 1 boxes con- 
taining trash and see if mother's fire-screen 
ain't there." 

I do so. It were not. 

" Nail them up again quickly," she com- 
ment. " Then go to roof and sweep out 
chimbley." 

I elevated myself to loftly position and stood 
poking smok-tracks from chimbley. Just then 
she holla, 

" Come down ist floor, please, and ade me 
in removing tables upstairs." 

I do so wishing I was a bird and could fly 
up and down with less feetsteps. 

By that time Hon. Sun were setting and 
I feel like doing the same. So I choose soft 
chair in back yard and soothe myself by 
flopping to it. There I reposed amidst rags, 
rugs, brooms, portraits, paints and other 
cleanly dirt. 

" Why you set there so worklessly ? " she 
require, seeing me with eagle expression. 

" I have moved so much that I am now 
moveless," I reply with great pathos. 

She make her eyes look kind and charity. 
140 



Fcdl Cleaning 

" Maybe you tired ! " she collapse with con- 
siderable gentleness. 

"Ah no, Mrs Madam," I contuse chival- 
rously. " I not tired — I merely exhausted." 

" Servants should be cherished as well as 
masters," she say scientifically. " I acknowl- 
edge my carelessness. In enthusiasm of 
housecleaning I forgot you was as apt to get 
fatigued as any other horse. I permit you 
to feel weary, because you are Japanese and 
not strong like a Irish labour. I forgive this 
fault in you." 

" O thank you so many for that gentle 
heart!" I report back, enjoying slight tear- 
drop from gratitude. 

" No, Togo, you may rest," she say. 
" But while you are resting, would you please 
go out to back yard and beat a few Brussels 
carpets ? " 

Excuse me, Mr Editor, for acting so un- 
obliged to a lady. But I could not do further- 
more. My arms walk out on strike when I 
attempt to make them work. So I go to 
kitchen and arrive back with satchel grip and 
derby hat. 

" Sweethearted Mrs Madam," I report, " I 
realise how my mind is too lightweight for 
your serious employment. Therefore I quit. 
141 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

How much you estimate I owe you for dam- 
age, breakage & crackage I done to-day ? " 

" 1230.50 would cover everything," she sup- 
pose. 

" At my present wage-pay of $5 per 
weekly," I snuggest, " I should be very elderly 
Japanese before last instalment was pay off. 
Therefore I shall not encumber you by wait- 
ing so long." 

" But what shall I do about that bill ? " she 
require nervely. 

" Ah, Mrs Madam, you are honest lady," I 
bounce back. " I are sure I can trust you to 
keep that bill more better than anybody else." 

" You done my household considerable in- 
jury," she sum up. 

" I are willing to forgive that also," I rep- 
artee. " Therefore, if you will present me 
with 50c out of what I owe you, I shall retreat 
by trolley and leave your home safe from 
me. 

She contribute 25c from purse, because she 
say she can't get no more change until her 
husband get back. That gentleman are in 
Arabia collecting rugs, so I decide it was too 
long to wait for 25c. 

When nextly seen I was standing on depot- 
station in New England R. R. asking Hon. 
142 



Fall Cleaning 

Ticket Merchant if he would sell me fare to 
some city where folks never clean house ex- 
cept when scolded by Brd of Health. 
Hoping you are the same 
Yours truly 

Hashimura Togo. 



T43 



XIII APARTMENT HOUSE LIFE IN 
NEW YORK 



XIII APARTMENT HOUSE LIFE IN 
NEW YORK 

To Editor Home & Lady page whose wis- 
dom is furniture for many apartments. 

DEAR MR: 
Excuse my handwriting for being 
cramped this time — I have been living in 
one N. Y. apartment-house where everything 
is squeezed. I tell you. 

A short time of yore I seen following ad- 
vertisement-news in N. Y. Paper: 

WANTED: Small-size Japanese required to do 
housework in fashionable apartment. Must be able 
to squeeze deliciously tight between furniture and 
to take up no room whatsoever. No fat persons re- 
quired. Apply to Mrs. Buckingham Jinx, Matter- 
horn Apts. 

I was entirely proud & nervus, Mr Editor, 
to apply to that jobs. Formerly I had been 
simple, jayseed Japanese working in Yz size 
147 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

towns where nothing was large. But here 
I was in great city of N, Y. where everything 
was giganterous & big. Home-life here, I 
thought, must be unlimited like Pennsylvania 
Depots. 

This show how thoughtless we are when 
we think. 

I go to address of that Jinx lady, which is 
at No 333 W 333rd Street, comfortable 
neighbourhood where 20 miles of sky-scrape 
homes are clumped together attempting to 
look quaint. I was proud to see their 
swollen size. How expansive it was for 
Japanese Schoolboy to be employed in city 
where everything was so big that even small 
cottages look like Flatiron Bldgs! Already I 
begin to feel pity for Peoria where folks must 
choke in 2 story houses. 

Pretty soonly I arrive to Matterhorn Apts. 
How stylishly enormalous it was! I never 
observed a place with more upstairs. 12 com- 
plete stories I could count with my sore neck. 
And so fashionable to go into! Its frontside 
entrance was filled with marble halls, foun- 
tains, brassy electricity, golden elevators, no- 
ble niggero boys in uniform of admirals. 
This was most biggest entrance in America, 
and I was certainly sure that folks what live 
148 



Apartment House Life 

in those apartments upstairs must enjoy such 
grand-size rooms they have to ride motor- 
cycles between parlour and dinning-room. 

While thusly I thought Swedish gentleman 
in proud overalls arrive up. 

" What you wish, standing there fool- 
ishly ? " he require. 

" Do you own this palace ? " I ask to know. 

" Yes," he report peevly. " I are the 
Janitor." 

" I am suprised by this Matterhorn house," 
I explode. " The mountainous steepness of 
its apartments apalls me." 

" The mountainous steepness of its rents 
would apall you more, if you seen them," he 
explain with insulting eyebrows. 

So he poke me to elevator where I was 
uplifted to 9 floors. Folks living in apart- 
ment house leads very up-and-down life. 
When they go outside they must be elevated 
downwards, when they return they must be 
vice versa. It are impossible to see how folks 
can be level in such home life, and yet it is. 

Hon. Mrs Jinx, entirely Duchess appear- 
ing lady, meet me at doorway with Vander- 
bilt nose. 

" This are my apartment," she express, 
pointing to a hallway surrounded by expen- 
149 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

sive looking cells filled with gilty furniture, 
pianolas, painted portraits, rugs and ma- 
hoganish tables resembling J. P. Morgan. 

" Yes," I report. " This are your apart- 
ment — but where is your home ? " 

" In N. Y.," she report with Waldorf ex- 
pression, " home is where we pay our rent." 

Mr Editor, when that lady show me her 
apartment I was jigged by surprise. Each 
room was less than life-size, yet it contain 
wealth resembling Buckingham. Mahoganish 
doors, plush walls, luxury here and there — 
but where was there room to live in ? 

" This are drawing-room," she indicate, 
making points to Pullman-car compartment 
containing gas-log and French-speaking fur- 
niture. I should like to set down in such a 
room, but the chairs was in the way. 

She show me dinning-room. It contain 
four-plate-power table, portraits of fish on 
walls and shelf with several beery steins 
with German motto, " Drinken, Dranken, 
Drunken." 

" This cozy room are good for small 
banquets," she acknowledge. 

" Small banquets is oftenly the most 
limited," I encouridge. 

She show me library. 
150 



Apartment House Life 

" This are called the snuggery," she con- 
dole. I felt very congested to look at it. 
Folks must snug very snugly to snuggle into 
such a snuggery. On high top shelf was 
following books to show it was a library: 
" Pilgrum's Progress," " Life of John Drew," 
" Bradstreet on Financial Failures," " Blue 
Book of N. Y. Smarty Set." 

Under table was poker chips to entertain 
scholars while reading. 

Nextly she show me kitchen. O shocks! 
It were size like the interior of a upright 
piano. Hon. Gas Stove look chilly from 
setting too close to Hon. Ice Box which was 
hot from contax with gas stove. 

" This Kitchen are small but comfortless," 
she explain braskly. " It are slightly com- 
pressed, yet there is room for everything to 
cook with." 

" One thing to cook with there is no room 
for," I snuggest. 

" What should that be ? " she require. 

" The cook," I explain. 

" Smallish Japanese is capable of squeez- 
ing," she fire back. 

Nextly she ope door by Kitchen and show 
me one dark-complexioned cubby hole to 
look at. 

151 



Mr, Togo: 31 aid of All Work 

" What a nice vegetable closet ! " I report. 
" But too small, perhaps, for large cabbages." 

"That are not a vegetable closet — it are 
a servant's bedroom," she develop. 

I would be astonished, but there was no 
room. 

Sardines gets used to living in cans, Mr 
Editor; so I soonly became acquainted with 
how to live in N. Y. flat without knock-oflf 
of elbow. It were umpossible to turn 
around in all rooms, but I could get out of 
doors by backing up. 

This Mrs Jinx got a husband who are a 
broker, but not yet broke. He come home 
nights long enough to change clothes and 
take his wife to some other Roof Garden. 
For conversation he complain of his debts. 

" Why should we live in flat we can't af- 
ford?" he jowl, reaching across dinning-room 
to get a match. 

" Mr Husband ! " report Hon. Mrs with 
spasma, " how could you forget to remember 
our position? In this house live 2 families 
intimately acquainted with a Trust. Also, 
look at our main entrance downstairs — it 
are a bigger waiting room than the Grand 
Central Station and twice as lonesome. This 
152 



Apartment House Life 

house got the brightest buttons, swiftest ele- 
vator and crosset janitor in New York." 

Sometime Mrs Jinx have company for 
dinner. Her dinning-room was sifficient for 
4. Therefore she ask 10. N. Y. folks is con- 
veniently compressible, especially when fat. 
Folks wearing diamonds in front of them 
would arrive to these dinners and explain 
why they wasn't at Newport. 

" How nicely you are situated here," they 
snuggest, looking sidewise. 

" O surely yes ! " obligate Hon. Mrs. " We 
have splandid view of the airshaft from li- 
brary window and our dinning-room overlook 
some of the finest advertising signs in the 
city." 

" So fortunate you are with so much 
room ! " say lady wearing diamond bib on 
chest. " In our apartment we are pusitively 
crowded." 

No one could believe it. 

" Why do you keep a canary ? " ask one 
gentleman of one lady. 

" Because I have no room for a parrot," 
say one lady to one gentleman. 

And so onward. 

My cookery is deliciously abominable, 
thank you, in that 1-8 size kitchen. Yet 
153 



Mr, Togo: Maid of All Work 

those N. Y. persons is so refined they can 
disguise any taste by politeness. 

" You have a chef, I suspect? " require one 
brokerish gentleman gnawing my chicken 
crokets. 

" Two of them," deceive Mrs Jinx with 
5th Ave expression. I arrive to room look- 
ing proud with dishes. " This Togo are my 
faithful butler inherited from my grandfather 
who was a lawyer and kept many retainers." 

I am alarmed to hear such large conversa- 
tion in such small space. And yet I acted 
very intelligent, considering my stupidity. 

My life in that compartment become more 
and more homeless as time relapsed. Hon. 
Mrs Jinx were the most stay-away lady I ever 
seen. She say she go out to get the air ; and 
I could not blame her. For 2 entire weeks 
she was somewheres else all time. In early 
a. m. after 10 o'clock she go down town for 
get hats, manicure & other jewelry. By noon 
she telephone, " I shall not be home lunch, 
because I am too busy wasting time with Mrs 
Swatts-Byng." By night she telephone, " I 
shall not be home dinner, because I am taking 
my Husband to eat at Astoria hotel, after- 
wards we shall go see musical-comical theater," 
154 



'Apartment House Life 

Lonesomeness arrived to me as much as 
that apartment would hold. It were true 
I could breathe more with less persons tak- 
ing up room; yet my thoughts became all by 
themselves. I feel like Hon. Robinson Caruso 
on a vacant island. 

One early a. m. Hon. Mrs uprose for 
breakfast early at ii o'clock. She approach 
to me with tear-drop eye. 

" Togo," she say, " you have been with me 
5 entire weeks. Therefore you can be con- 
sidered the oldest family servant in N. Y. 
I shall reward you with bad news. My Hus- 
band has did so much brokerage in Wall Street 
that he has broke. Therefore, we shall be 
more tight compressed than usual." 

" How could it? " I ask feelishly. 

" We must move to a smaller flat," she glub. 
" Will you faithfully follow us thereto ? " 

" Mrs Madam," I entrench, " I might do 
faithfully what you say. I might follow you 
to smaller flat, but how could I squeeze in 
when I got there? Excuse me while I go 
to Arizona where I can stand with looo miles 
on each side of me and can turn over in bed 
without wounding my elbows on a wash- 
stand. Indians does not live so high as New 
Yorkers, but they lives much broader." 
155 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

Hon. Mrs explode her voice from my words 
and attemp' to imprison my escape by locking 
front door. But she could not. With Sam- 
urai war-cry I open umbruella and, attaching 
myself to handle, I make jump-out from bed- 
room window and flew 9 stories like Hon. 
Glen Curtiss. 

When I arrived to pave-walk Hon. Janitor 
see me and report, 

" You are broken out with lunacy." 

Hoping you are the same, 
Yours truly, 

Hashimiira Togo. 



156 



XIV CAN AUTOMOBILES BE 
TAMED FOR HOME USE? 



XIV CAN AUTOMOBILES BE 
TAMED FOR HOME USE? 

To Editor Home and Lady Page who are so 
smooth of heart and soft of mind he Can 
safely introduce gasolene into most explosive 

families. 

DEAR Hon. Mr! — With delicious rapid- 
ity I shot off from my last situation of 
work, care Mrs. Seth Hopp, Camden, N. J. 
This lady admire my talent so much she ap- 
point me to every task of a disagreeable 
nature. In her supply of housework she in- 
clude one slight, grey ottomobile of one-lung 
capacity and asthma of engine. This machin- 
ery are like mosquitos, small but cross. 

Mr. Editor, I have always dreaded to get 
acquainted with ottomobiles because they are 
connected with so many crimes. Yet when I 
am employed as Gen. Houseworker in a house 
where a cook must understand chauffering, 
what could I? 

Last Munday a. m. Hon. Mrs. Hopp ap- 
159 



Mr, Togo: Maid of All Work 

proach to me with racetrack expression and 
corrode, 

" Togo, as soonly as you finish washing 
dishes, go out to garage and wash ottomobile. 
Then take him down to R R depot to meet Mr. 
Hopp at 5.66 train." 

" I do not understood your ottomobile," I 
abject. 

" Nobody does," she say cheerly. " Yet I 
are sure you can become mister of this difficult 
wagon, because Japanese are extra bright 
Httle people." 

I thank her with bent stomach. And yet 
calm nervousness straddled my heart. 

As soonly as I had finished bathing dishes, 
Hon. Mrs. lead me forthly to gas-stable where 
that iron animal stood amidst awful per- 
fumery. I was shocked to observe the cruel 
expression of lamps with which he gazed at 
me. 

" He are simple and good natured when 
you know his habits," she explain. 

" This truth are also true of vampires," I 
dib for frights. 

" Your duty must be to dust him night and 

morning, manicure his carborette and train 

him to obey. When you learn to control him, 

it shall be your duty to drive Hon. Mr. Hopp 

160 



Can Automobiles he Tamed? 

back & forthly. I show you how to learn." 

Hon. Mrs go to home & put on racetrack 
hat peculiar to motor. Then she teach me 
free lesson. 

Firstly she go to front nose of Hon. Otto- 
mobile and twist crank resembling ice- 
cream freezer. Mad trembly arrive from his 
insides ! 

" Now he are ready to do anything," col- 
lapse Hon. Mrs dragging me to seat besides 
her. I set here holding on to my soul. 

" Observe my antics if possible," she com- 
mit \yith extreme dexterity of thumbs, heels, 
hands & elbows while she poke 6 buttons, jerk 
I doz handles, inflame electricity and make 
goose-cry by horn. 

I sat gast to see her. WHOOSH!! We 
commence onward. 

" That are way to start ottomobile," hol- 
la Mrs Seth Hopp while avoiding death on 
road & wheeling corners with aviator expres- 
sion, 

" It are easy like astronomy," I rejoint, 
holding on to my hair to keep him from blow- 
ing off. And so forth. 

At R. R. station we stop up and load on 
Hon. Mr. Hopp, one large, portable man of 
important fat. 

i6i 



3Ir. Togo: Maid of All Work 

" Togo are learning to chaff this car so he 
can drag you back & forth," decry Hon. Mrs. 

" He do not look very powerful," contuse 
him cattishly. 

How could he realise? 

Mr. Editor, driving ottomobiles are a war- 
like work unsuited to Gen. Housekeeping, 
How can I do hired girl tasks, yet expect my- 
self to command those harsh cranks and greasy 
energy what makes gasolene go? To make 
a chauffeur out of a cook are like making 
bullets out of buscuits. It could be done, but 
can it? 

Yet this Mrs. Seth Hopp, Hon. Lady of 
extreme brain, was determined I should be a 
chum to her car, although I were sure he did 
not like my looks. E^ch morning for 5^- 
hour time she give me lesson in how to start 
ottomobiles. I learn this with all the fido 
qualities of my Japanese religion. Yet some- 
thing told me different. 

" This horsepower are full of mules," I tell 
her one day while I set there pulling 13 
handles expecting Hon. Car to go when he 
would not. 

" Brace uply ! " she say for courage. " Any 
child can start an ottomobile." 
162 



Can Automobiles he Tamed? 

" Why you not employ a child, then ? " I 
require. 

I could see by her silence that she did not 
admire my rudeness. 

After practice I become more intellectual 
with that machinery. With kindly assist- 
ance from Hon. Mrs I could tease him to 
start from his barn and run dangerously 
around block amid loudy curses from gasc^- 
lene. Pride filled me up. Folks often feels 
thusly before cyclones. 

That p. m. Hon. Mrs arrive to kitchen 
where I was manufacturing pie with mush- 
room expression peculiar to cooks. 

"Togo," she denounce, "you sippose you 
can now start Hon. Ottomobile by your lone- 
some self?" 

" No starter could ever be more scientific 
than me," I negotiate, holding pie-crust on 
my wrists. 

" Glad to hear 1 " she congratulate. " Hon. 
Mr. Hopp return to-night by 6.6}^ train. 
Feed 2 gals gasolene to Hon. Ottomobile and 
deliver Hon. Husband to me as soonly as 
possible." 

This were supreme time for prides. Bell- 
boys, admirals and postmasters seldom feel 
more happy in time of great victory. 
163 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

I put on respectaful gloves & greasy over- 
coat to resemble chauffer. I smudge some 
engine-smoke across nose, so I should look 
more mechanical. Then I go to gas-stable 
and quell Hon. Ottomobile with my hero ex- 
pression. He seem quite doggish. 

Skilful cranks by me. Loud roary from 
his stomach. Like Hon. Julius Caesar cross- 
ing the Delaware I lep to seat & make my 
heels, thumbs & elbows go in all directions, 

banzai! That sweet, tame ottomobile jump 
forwards like a canary. Defly I turn wheel 
and make him sidle up one street & down 
next. Citizens was seen dodging respectfully 
side by side to let me pass. One gentleman 
raise Bull Moose voice and mention it when 

1 scratch his knuckles slightly. More faster 
and yet more so I sped onwards. I seem 
to be walking on golden wings. Poetry cir- 
culated in my chest. Thusly do gasolene 
make heroes of us all. 

Pretty soonly I arrive up to R R station 
where I observe Hon. Hopp standing there 
in all the importance of his fat. Him & sev- 
eral conductors looked very gast when they 
observe great skill with which I knocked hitch- 
ing-post from befront of saloon and still came 
on. 

164 



Can Automobiles he Tamed? 

All wheels was waltzing nicely as I turn 
Hon. Car close to platform, intending for to 
stop and load on Hon. Boss. 

But alast! when I got there I could not 
stay. Despite of how I wiggled handles, 
punched buttons, reversed myself with heels 
and commanded with voice, that inflamed 
chariot were deaf to pity and determined 
to continue onward. Hon. Mr make motions 
for me to arrest myself, but all I could do 
was to set in seat while Hon. Car gollup rudely 
around block. With Samurai calmness I con- 
tinue to turn wheel, hoping thusly to arrive 
back to station. And so I did. Pretty soonly 
I come up to R R platform again. Despite 
my angry jerks by handle, I could observe 
how peevly Hon. Hopp look at me. 

"Togo," he holla, "come here!" 

" I do so ! " I response, so I make skilled 
wobble of wheel and drove Hon. Ottomobile 
up on platform, where he go for Hon. Boss 
so straight that this fatty gentleman start off 
with dodge run peculiar to ducks avoiding 
elephants. But Hon. Ottomobile was more 
quicker in the legs, so he pounce on Hon. Mr 
with rude affection peculiar to New Found- 
land dogs. Groans by him. Toots by otto. 
Then onwards I proceeded, still attempting to 
165 



Mr, Togo: Maid of All Work 

strangle that horsepower which would not 
quit. 

Mr. Editor, you could not imagine such 
stubborn bullishness could be in anything not 
human. The more I twisted that wagon, the 
faster he go. Ditches, back fences and trees 
were splintered by his determination. At 
lastly, because I knew it would be convenient 
for me to die near the place where I was em- 
ployed, I turned his nose toward home of Hon. 
Mrs Hopp. 

We got there by very cross lots. Mrs. Hopp 
were standing by front gate when I whoofed 
by. 

" Togo," she yall as I pass, " Did you get 
my husband ? " 

" Yes, thanks — I got him plenty," were 
smart reply I make. 

Pretty soonly, by intense wheeling, I come 
back around block to where that sweet-hearted 
lady was. 

" Put that car back in its stable I " she 
shreech like eagles. 

" I obey ! " was reply for me. So with all 
the Japanese courage I could demand from 
my ancestors, I turn Hon. Car through front 
fence, over vegetable garden, across clothes 
line. When I arrive to garage I put Hon. 
i66 



Can ■Automobiles be Tamed? 

Car in very neatly, but Hon. Garage refuse 
to remain standing where he was, but followed 
in several fractions. 26 feet further on, Hon. 
Ottomobile, cursing like enraged kangaroos, 
lep over that cyclone and fall dead in heap of 
splinters. Nothing alive remained except a 
few wheels, pandemonium and me. 

As soonly as my intellectual mind got back 
in place, I sat up, determined to see Hon. Mrs 
about resigning from that dangerous house- 
work. But she saw me previously. 

" Togo ! " she glub, " how dares you make 
this rumpage when I spend one whole week 
teaching you how to start ottomobiles ? " 

" H you had spent another week teaching 
me how to stop him, I should be less scattered," 
were bright reply from me. 

So I remove my derby from around my 
neck & limp offwards feeling like tonsilitis. 

Hoping you are the same 

Yours truly, 
Hashimiira Togo. 



167 



XV A PICNIC PARTY 



XV A PICNIC PARTY 

To Editor Home & Lady Page who enjoys 
fresh air best "when slightly cooked: 

HON. Dear Sin- 
Why should tame folks wish to be wild 
when they are getting along in nice candition 
without any Nature around? I ask to know. 
Hon. Mrs Horse W. Snow, by who I was dis- 
charged away recently, might still nourish me 
in her house if it was not for fresh air subject 
I tell you about: 

This Hon. Snow family reside in Trenton, 
N. J., where they live. Hon. Mrs Snow have 
got two (2) complete twins, Frederick & 
Ederick, age 4 yrs. old each. Hon. Horse W. 
Snow have got asthma. So every one enjoys 
affliction in his own way. 

Last Fryday, when I was in Hon. Kitchen 
manufacturing pies by baking it, Hon, Mrs 
approach up to me & explan, 

" Togo," she say it, " do you unstand pic- 
nics?" 

171 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

" What kind of Gen. Housekeeping are 
that?" I ask to enquire. 

" It are the only kind what can be did out- 
doors," she report. 

" How do you make a picnic ? " are next 
question for me. 

" Picnics can be manufactured by follow- 
ing recipee," she snuggest : 

"ist: — Fill an ottomobile with children, 
pie & other sandwitches; 

2st : — Find a piece of Nature and set down 
on it with lunch ; 

3st : — Continue this programme until go- 
home time, then do so." 

I listened with wrapped attention. 

" Cannot Nature be seen without taking 
lunch along?" I ask off. 

** I have no time to answer statistics," she 
dib hashly. " To-morrow morning by early 
a. m. we depart away in ottomobile for find 
some soft place in Nature to sit on. I wish 
you prepare lunch of delicious hard-boiledness 
to include egg, chicken, more eggs, cake, some 
eggs, sandwitches h confused varieties of 
pie." 

" I obey similar to soldiers," in voice from 
me. 

172 



A Picnic Party 

" And don't forget the eggs," she reproach 
while eloping away. 

That ottomobile of Hon. Horse W. Snow 
are a 7 passenger car. Therefore it do not 
act surprised when 10 persons of sorted sizes 
gets into it. Thusly, it look last Satday morn- 
ing by early a. m. when Hon. Ottomobile give 
hoots similar to martyrs about to enjoy break 
down. Included among those getting in was 
Mrs & Mr Horse W. Snow & 2 twins; Mr 
& Mrs Hamlet J. Dilk & 2 yrs. old Arthur; 
Togo & food; Ethel & Albert, lovely young 
folks who look at each other with fiancee ex- 
pression. 

Honks by Hon. Otto. 

Hon, Horse W. Snow, who was at the wheel 
pushing gasolene, say, " I have look forwards 
to this day for joyful time." 

" We shall have delightful picnic," renig 
Mrs Horse W. " Togo, why are you so unin- 
tellectual as to carry pie with its head down- 
wards? " 

" This are delightful day to find Nature at 
home," say Hon. Horse W. with happy smil- 
ing. 

" It are," derange Hon. Mrs. " Horse, why 



173 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

you insist on wheeling through so many bumps 
that my elbows shake loose?" 

" Let us go to Buttermilk Falls where moss 
is there," snuggest Hon. Dilk. 

" Buttermilk Falls are full of disgust," re- 
port Hon. Mrs Dilk. 

They would doubtlessly enjoyed some more 
quarrel, but they were discontinued by rum- 
page in their midst where Hons. Ederick & 
Frederick was making slaps to Hon. Dilk 
baby, age 2. Weepe. 

Everybody wish go somewhere else. Ethel 
wish go Lover's Leap. Albert require go Al- 
toona Vista. Hon. Mrs Snow demand go 
Trolley View Park. I wish go home, but 
everybody was careless to ask my require- 
ments. 

But Hon. Snow, who was driving ottomo- 
bile, took us to Morning Glory Glenn, be- 
cause nobody wish go there. 

Morning Glory Glenn were nice landscape 
resembling some photos of Nature I have 
seen. It include wooden trees, a wet brook, 
considerable wasps & other outdoor symptoms. 

" Togo," say Hon. Snow with boss expres- 
sion, " I shall attend to all the hard work of 
this picnic if you fetch 8 buckets water, cut 
down II trees, make Dutch oven by piling 
174 



A Picnic Party 

stones, put baby to sleep, watch twins and 
bake potatus." 

" This are very restful spot," report Hon. 
Ethel. 

I did not notice it. Nature look like any 
other kitchen to me, except there was more 
room to get tired in. 

In the immediate meanwhile all that picnic 
were unfastening lunching basket and enjoy- 
ing many unpleasant things about him. 

"Who spilled mustard in angel cake?" re- 
quire Hon. Snow looking like a jury. 

" Togo," report Hon. Mrs Snow peevly. 

I say nothing by chopping wood. 

" Who broke 17 eggs & forgot to bring but- 
ter w^hile doing so?" approach Hon. Ethel 
with finacee eyebrows. 

" Togo," snuggest Hon. Albert with engaged 
expression. 

I carry silent firewood to blazes. 

Hon. Mrs Dilk spread down tablecloth of 
Turkish redness & make him look good house- 
keeping by putting plates, pickles, ham & 
saucers on him. 

" It are going to rain ! " report all together 
like chorus girls. 

" I are to blame for that also," I acknowl- 
edge. 

175 



Mr. Togo: 31 aid of All Work 

All seem pleased to hear my crime, yet no 
intellectual reply. 

By wet water of runnybrook, Frederick & 
Ederick was playing Indian by using Mrs 
Dilk's 2 yrs. old baby for a prisoner. Pretty 
soonly, they dropped Hon. Baby in wet water 
to see how well he float. He did not do so, 
thank you ; therefore I must plunge myself 
in and remove Baby out. He notice my 
chivalry by angry howells. 

" I have saved your Baby from a watery 
tombstone," I report to Mrs Dilk. 

" Could you not save him without wetting 
his feet so seriously?" she ask out cranker- 
ously. 

" Next time he drowns, he should carry an 
umberella ! " I snuggest, while poking potatus 
in fire where they would burn better. 

Hon. Sky now look very sorry like he ex- 
pect rain. Yet not yet. Lunching were 
nearly most prepared. Ethel & Albert were 
enjoying disagreeable love-talk, Hon. Snow 
& Hon. Dilk was drinking appetite from bot- 
tel, Frederick & Ederick was weeping as usual 
— when Oh ! ! ! ! Hon. Mrs Dilk come hop- 
jump over hill and make following explana- 
tion: 

" Bull ! Bull 1 1 " 

176 



A Picnic Party 

We could hear somebody talking moo- 
language slightly off in distance. 

"Who shall save us?" require Hon. Snow, 
picking up Ed. & Fred, (twins) while Hon. 
Mrs Dilk obtained Baby. 

Looking over the eyebrow of the hill, I ob- 
serve one fatlierly cow enjoying salad of daisy- 
cup blossoms. He seemed to be a smiling cat- 
tle of Tammany Hall nature. 

" Togo," require Hon. Snow with militia 
expression, " you go scare Hon. Bull offwards 
while me & Mr Dilk bravely save wives & 
children." 

They all began walking backwards to fence 
86 feet away. That Hon. Bull appear very 
civilized, so I was sure he would go away by 
request I had read in news-print, some- 
wheres, that bulls are afraid of red rags ; there- 
fore, I took up that reddy tablecloth and ap- 
proach close by his nose making waves with it. 

" Shoo ! " I repeat like a toreador. 

x'Ml folks, while running, yell, " Don't do ! 
Don't do ! " but I was too busy scaring bulls to 
make notice of them. 

All suddenly, Hon. Bull look upwards & 

observe my antix. He must of been extra 

brave, because that red rag did not scare him 

slightly. Snores of rage from him. He be- 

177 



Mr, Togo: Maid of All JVorh 

gin pawing grass with finger-nails. Loudly 
bellus by him. Then — O rush ! ! He ele- 
vated his horns downwards and make goUup 
for me. 

When I see how ambitious he look, I did 
one great heroism : I continued to wave red 
rag & rush towards them picnic folks so I 
could be there to protect them when Hon. Bull 
begin to hook. They was 48 feet ahead of 
me, but me & Hon. Bull run very fast. I keep 
ahead, because he stop to swear two or three 
times. We reached Hon. Fence together, 
just as Hon. Snow & Hon. Dilk was getting 
over with armful of family. 

Roars ! ! That grand-square animal kicked 
me with horns so skilfully that I made air- 
ship movement & come down on fence just 
in time to help Hon. Dilks & family fall over. 
Yet they was thankless. Everybody was on 
other side by that time. You would think 
they should be happy to see me light among 
them — yet not. 

Hon. Bull spent 36 minutes making angry 
promenades up & down fence talking ora- 
tory in cow language. Then he go back to 
where Hon. Lunch was & spent rest of after- 
noon kicking it into river with horns. 

Hon. Sky begin to rain & them (2) twins 
178 



A Picnic Party 

made it wetter by weeps. All wish to go 
homewards, but that was umpossible, because 
Hon. Ottomobile were in field next to where 
Hon. Bull were setting down. 

At y:26 p. m. time, Hon. Farmer come 
along with moustache under chin & offer to 
coax off Bull, price $5. 

" He are harmless," interrogate Hon. 
Farmer. 

" I know it," report Hon. Snow. " He 
merely chased us to tell us so." 

We all got into car, pretty soonly, and start 
homewards amidst considerable drips and 
shipwrecked feelings of stumach. 

" Shakspeare never wrote nothing so tragic 
like to-day," glub Hon. Snow. 

" Dearie, when you see Nature, you must 
take him like he comes," snuggest Hon. Mrs. 

" He'll have to come to my house, next time 
I see him," he dib. 

When we arrive up to R. R. station, I was 
surprised: Hon. Snow stop ottomobile. 

" Togo," he say so, " This are where you 
get off." 

" You wish me depart homeless ? " I snag- 
ger. 

" Since you are so smart at flagging bulls," 
he resnort, " maybe you can wave red rags 
179 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

at engineer and tell him take you some place 
where picnics is unknown & brains unneces- 
sary." 

Speaking thusly, Hon. Ottomobile depart 
away full of honks. 

Hoping you are the same, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



i8o 



XVI AN ADVENTURE IN BANTING 



XVI AN ADVENTURE IN BANTING 

To Editor Ladies' Page ivhich are never too 
fat to seem agreeable. 

HON Mr: Last job I were divorced from 
were home of Hon. Mrs Violet J. Bobb 
who resides in the suburbs of Illinois. This 
Hon. Bobb lady seem very wholsale about her 
beauty which contain 207 lbs complete poise. 
One day she approach to me & report, 
" Togo," she say so, " I am going to have 
a reduction of myself." 

"Will you be a great bargain?" I ask to 

know. << T • ^ J 

"Ah surely yes!" she deploy. "I intend 

to be marked down from 207 lbs to 180 m one 

month." 

I show my amazement by surprise. 

" What will Hon. Mr Bobb say," I rebuke, 
" when he return to dinner each p. m. and find 
his Love growing less and less? Would you 
shrink thusly from the hand that feeds you? 

" If that hand did not feed me so much, per- 
183 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

hapsly I would be less mountainous," she gol- 
lup. 

Yet she were determined. With immedi- 
ate quickness she send to Hon. Dr Physician 
and get Aunty Fat cure. Following was 
recipe for it: 

I St — Make things disagreeable for self 
and others. 

2st — Dress in rubber shirt-waist & exer- 
cise until entirely unhappy. Keep on doing 
so. 

3st — Avoid sleep by keeping awake. 

4st — Avoid foods in any form. Beef tea 
& hard tack may be used as a substitute. 
Add Gen. Discomfort. 

5st — Keep away from pleasant thoughts, 
as these are very fatty. 

6st — Shun all proteids, caryatids and 
asteroids. 

Mr Editor, did you ever try to cook for 
a lady what requires nothing to eat but hard 
tack & beef tea? Such work might be easy, 
but it ain't. Supplying her with meals were 
like feeding canned vacuum to camels — light 
work, but deliciously scientific. 

Hon. Mr Bobb, who was thin and red headed 
like a match, could eat a banquet multiplied 
by three each day and appear just as wirey 
184 



Banting 

as before. Foods make him thinner, so he 
require it continuously. Therefore, I must 
cook very lopsided meals for them Bobbs to 
eat it. For dinner-eat Hon. Bobbs absorb 
veal stew containing potatus, fricaseed gravy, 
hot buns & beans of great wealth. But Hon. 
Mrs Bobbs give me strick orders to serve her 
only bowl of soupless broth with plate of very 
hard tack. 

" I appreciate bravery of soldiers," she say, 
eating with gnaws. 

" Why should it ? " reply her husband. 

" Because," she wep, " after eating hard 
tack for i week I should be willing to die for 
Country or anything else." 

For dessert Hon. Mr had a minced pie while 
Hon. Mrs had a hysteric. When Hon. Mr 
seen this noise he run to telephone and re- 
port. 

" Oh Dr, Dr ! " he holla, " Hon. Mrs have 
got one hysteric ! " 

" So glad to hear ! " rejoint Hon. Medicine 
with smiling voice. " Grief are a great re- 
ducer." 

Hon. Mrs took walking exercise every 

morning from 9 o'clock until she got back. 

In this promenade she resemble elephants 

marching in Siamese funeral — each footstep 

185 



Mr. Togo: 31 aid of All Work 

seemed to go in front of the other with sorry 
expression of great weight. When she return 
back she set down in parlour attempting to de- 
ceive herself into staying awake. 

" Your lunching are prepared on table," I 
pronounce with servant voice. 

" Please do not call beef tea lunching 1 " 
she snib like a cross stork. 

She set down and et hard tack with ex- 
treme desolation. 

After lunching she go groanfully to upstairs 
side. Pretty soonly I hear plaster and other 
brick-a-brack falling amidst considerable 
earthquake, so I know Hon, Mrs was rolling 
her figure over the carpet. 

After 2 complete weeks of this hygiene had 
went by, Hon. Bobbs come home one night 
with scales for weighing coal. 

" Now we shall observe how much you have 
subtracted by efforts," he negotiate cheerly. 

" I am so wasted away I can scarcely jump," 
she mone. She step to scales which throw up 
their arms with loudy clatter when she got on. 

Hon. Bobbs hang considerable lOO lbs of 
iron to Hon. Scales before he could strike a 
balance. At lastly Mrs Madam was weighed. 

" Dearie," report Hon. Husband with voice, 
l86 



Banting 

" You have not suffered all for vain. You 
have lost exactly ^ lb ! " 
She fainted all over him. 

Mr. Editor, there are nothing more injurious 
to life than doing what is good for us. Folks 
seeking health are considerable insurance risk. 
Dutiful persons is nearly always cross, and 
dypsepia are the favourits pastime of folks 
what never do no harm to their interior 
stomachs. 

Me & Hon. Bobbs got entirely worried 
about how Hon. Mrs was making behaviour. 
In losing 2 lbs she dropped her spirits i ton. 
So I make lecture to her on this subjeck one 
day. 

" Why you live in midst of groceries & take 
nothing?" I ask out. "Sailors enjoys more 
bill of fare when shipwrecked on logs. When 
driven desperado by hunger thay can at leastly 
cook each other." 

" Not having to drink beef tea are sifficient 
to make them happy," she croke with Ibsen 
voice. 

All day she behave with air of rejected ali- 
mony. When her Husband encroach home 
by night time he notice this. 
187 



Mr. Togo: Maid of All Work 

" Kitten," he require, " how much pounds 
you lost to-day ? " 

Peeved silence by her. 

" O dearie," he deplore. "If you continue 
this bant some longer, home will never seem 
snug again. Since you started to reduce, you 
have become fatter and me thinner. In at- 
tempting to reduce your waist you merely 
make your mind narrow. The less you eat 
the more biting your replies becomes. O fill 
my home like once you used to do, or I shall 
blow off and become suddenly zero ! " 

Thus he say it with voice like a sad actor. 
But she merely set exercising her elbows 
cruely like a Svoboda. 

Next morning while Hon. Mrs were off 
making lonesome walk for thinness, I was 
in kitchen thinking thoughtfully about Fat. 
Why should ladies abhor this delicious pad- 
ding? I ask to know. Are not round circles 
more beautiful than straight strings ? Are not 
pillows more lovely as snakes? Answer is, 
Yes ! ! ! 

Therefore, I must lead this Boss Lady away 
from her emaciated mania before her husband 
removed himself from her peeved disposition 
and happy home was shipwrecked around my 
kitchen. 



Banting 

So I lit gas stove, took out recipe book, flour, 
sugar, apples & other nourishments and with 
immediate quickness I began stewing things 
what smelled like a banquet. 

At noon time Hon. Mrs Madam come to 
table and set down, as usual, with forceable- 
feeding expression. 

I put Hon. Soup befront of her. She 
startle. 

" What food is this which smell so dis- 
obediently fragrant ? " she ask out. 

" Tometoes soup six inches thick & full of 
fatty nourishment," I rake off. 

" I refuse to eat such ! " she yellup — and 
before I could took it away she had assimil- 
ated it entirely with spoon. 

Next dish were turkey hash escorted by 
fried potatus, cinnamoney rolls, jelly & baked 
bean. 

" I shall scold you ! " she commence, but 
could not do so because she was too busy fork- 
ing that food with considerable smacks. 

And so onward through complete pro- 
gramme of vegetables until she reach apple 
dumpling & 2 cups chocolate. 

She sigh. 

Pretty soonly I observe her in parlour-room 
laying on sofa, eating candy-box and reading 
189 



Mr, Togo: Maid of All Work 

Mrs Humpley Ward book for sentimental 
joys. Sleep arrived nextly, and I felt quite 
patriotic to think how peaceful she was for 2 
complete hours. 

At hour of 4:27 p. m. she came to kitchen 
with new expression of brightly smiling. 

" Togo," she report, " you have saved my 
life by your disobedience. How dare you?" 

" A Samurai ain't afraid of nothing, not 
even Fat," I snuggest. 

" You have went strickly against my orders/* 
she guggle. " It were a delicious meal. Yet 
I must punish you for your impertinence. 
How much wages I owe you ? " 

"$5," I acknowledge. 

"Here are $15," she explode. "$5 for 
your disobedience & $10 for your talents. 
Henceforward you are fired," 

" I was never more affectionately discharged 
in all my experience," I absolve while putting 
on hat & coat. " While I am vacant from this 
job would you please hire my Cousin Nogi, 
who is also intelligent ? " 

" If he are a good cook, send him around," 
she greet while I depart feeling like my brain 
was on backwards. 

Hoping you are the same 
Yours truly 

Hashimura Togo. 
19Q 



OCT 17 13^3 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

lillllllilllilllli^ 

016 235 138 2 V 




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